How do I take this kind of pain
The kind I bare just doing simple activities
Middle of my spine hurts bad
I am in hell
Heaven is a oxycodone 5mg
Perhaps lessening the pain
Before I take my hands
Put them around my throat
Choke myself to death
To relieve the pain
God, help me take it
God, help me make it
God, lessen the pain
Before I go devil insane
I know I'm a sinner
A loser
A louse
A poor woman
Living in a poor house
Using this gift you give me
Typing the pain away
Thinking that heaven's a place I could stay
Where I only have spirit
No back with flat joints
Just God there to be with
His Grace will anoint
The nothing with something
I cannot imagine
His will be done
When I'll be gone
Then there will be no poems of pain
Feel me floating right by you
Feel me in the rain
Feel me as a spirit
Feel me with no pain
Much better a person
Without this pain that leaves me cursing
When I hate it that I cuss
When I hate it that I fuss
Over this back area that leaves me better dead
Have to get it out of this head
Into the world
Take my pain
Pray for me
If you pray
Stay for me
If you stay
Put up with my old age
Put up with my pain rage
Ask yourself if you could take
Someone with a sledge hammer
Pounding at your back
Today below the right scapula
Tomorrow could be my lower back
The next day
I might not walk
If my right hip won't adduct
As it should
I use to be so free
I use to be strong
I use to be so normal
Then pain did something wrong
To my brain
Gave me depression
I write confession
Boring as hell
As I am not well
Amazed to still be alive
17 years of chronic pain
It will only get worse
Until I am a shadow of my young self
At least
I knew young until 44
When I hurt my back
It's been down since then
Everyday
I have to control my pain
Everyday
I have to control my depression
Everyday
I have to not beat myself up
Everyday
I have to write this poetry
That leaves little to the imagination
Of one with 10/10 pain
As though an arrow the size of a dinner plate
Fully into the meat of the muscle below the scapula
Twisting
Turning
Flesh ripping away from the bone
Bleeding bleeding bleeding the soul of myself
Into a cup of false gold that the number one
Heathen will drink for Supper
As desert
With bloody lips
He'll come to grips
With my pain
Happy that I suffer
What I deserve for lifting people up
On my own
Wonder Woman died
The wicked one
Won
Then I remember
The God of knowledge
Gave me something to fight
The pain
Medication
Positioning
Praying
Writing
T.E.N.s unit
Strong massage machine
Ice
Hope
I have hope
I have it all
Without hope
A person will die
I've lived 17 years with bouts of 10/10 pain
I used to be ashamed to write about it
Suffer in silence
Be stoic
Have a stiff upper lip
Pull yourself up by your boot straps for God's sake
Others cannot see arthritis or depression
Others cannot see a hiatal hernia or an artificial shoulder
Others cannot see P.T.S.D. or G.A.D.
Others cannot see my disabilities
Therefore
I should be stronger
I should be smarter
I should be kinder
I should be richer
I should be WONDER WOMAN
"Take me back, deja-vue"
If I write when the pain is the worst
Maybe I will live through it
The pill worked some
10 pain down to 8
I'll give it some more time
I'll pray some more
I'll forgive those who think prayer is stupid
In that stupidity I will find Grace
In that magic I will find relief
In this time
I will love something beyond this place
That some say is nothing because it cannot be proven
That nothing is life
When this person has suffered and went on
For 17 years
Beyond the first injury
Continued to work for
All but 3-4 of these years
Keeps living when others would give up
I cannot give up
It is my God's will I am alive
If that means I am insane to you
I understand
There is science and faith
I need both of them
To lessen 10/10 pain
Or it will break me
I am broken enough
Held together by
A plastic and metal ball and socket
Bone on bone from T1 spine on down
To L5
Grating
Grating
Grating
On my movements and my mind
However
I am fine
Used to 5/10 pain
So I barely notice it
Can handle 8/10 pain
With lesser medication to control it
But when it gets to 10/10 pain
I have to try with all my might
For it to go away
Or just go down
Slide off my back
Like water slides off a ducks back
Slide off my mind
Like a snowman's head melting in the sun
Slide off my soul
And take the sledge hammer back to hell
Devil of pain
I purge you
With the God-given gifts I have
You only win for a short time
While I write a long rhyme
To offend you
I run away to higher ground
With gifts of light
I run around
The torture you bestow upon me
By God's good gifts
Will be set free
I will fly with angel wings
To a heavenly place where comfort sings
A song for me for forevermore
No longer chained to pain
I'll soar
Into a song of God
Into a dance of God
Into praises of God
Into a place where poetry is not odd
But prayers laid down for he who knows
I love him so the way it goes
The faith I have keeps me on Earth
Another painful poem comes to birth
Too long
Too personal
Too wrong
Too universal
Too stupid in English form
Too silly for the norm
Just some old lady full of tales
Writing away the ails
That the younger perhaps lack
All because of the worst pain attack
This person here can stand
You don't have to give a damn
Just know I share
My pain
With you
Then perhaps I can do
The things I have to do
This night
Thanks for reading
I'm just pleading for relief
In a world of grief
Where pleasure comes fast and leaves soon
Where some old lady prays to the moon
That all are well this cold snowy night
Not living in pain that's not right
That all have a way to stop the pain
That comfort in living is what one will gain
If they know how to distract themselves again
Make pain their friend
Not to be murdered by it
Not to make a lie of it
Not to throw a hissy fit
Not to bawl and do nothing
Not to fill their soul by stuffing the pain away
Let it come
Fight it on
Life stay.
