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The Woman Hunter-A One-Act Play

Setting: (Inside of a 2-bedroom apartment with a small kitchen and bathroom area. James' bedroom is stage right. Rick's bedroom is stage left. The bathroom is in the middle. The living room is downstage with the kitchen far stage left.)

(Stage is dark. Light comes on and Rick enters from his bedroom in dirty t-shirt and boxer shorts, scratching himself and yawning. His hair is a mess and he is in need of a shave. He goes to the kitchen and rummages in the fridge and pulls out a beer and some cold pizza and starts eating. A girl still getting dressed and holding her high heels enters from James' room.)

Rick: (with mouthful of food) Hey, you want some breakfast? Pizza with heavy anchovies and pineapple.

Girl: (looking at Rick disgustedly) Uh, no thanks. I'm trying to cut back.

Rick: Okay, it's your loss. (He shoves another piece in his mouth at once.)

(Girl exits the apartment and shuts the door behind her. James then enters from the bedroom beaming. He has his pants on and his shirt is unbuttoned. He's holding his socks and shoes.)

James: What you eating there, buddy?

Rick: Pineapple and anchovy pizza. Want a piece?

James: (ponders a moment) Sure, toss me one! (Rick throws him a piece of pizza from across the room. James catches it. Studies it a bit, picks some hair or something off it then starts eating.)

Rick: So who was that?

James: Umm, I don't know really. Susan, Stacy, maybe it was Kim or Kelly. It's a consonant I know. I wrote it down somewhere. I usually don't start learning names until I been out with them a few times.

Rick: (Shaking his head) Man, you are something, you know it? By the way, before I forget, a Marsha called for you.

James: Marsha? Which one?

Rick: What do you mean which one?

James: Well, did she have a deeper voice or a higher-pitched one?



Rick: I have no idea. You want me to get their height too?

James: If you think about it. Could help.

Rick: How do you get away with dating two Marshas?

James: Elementary my dear Watson. I'll just call them both back and if it's the one that called, she'll think I'm returning her call. If it's the other Marsha, she'll just think I'm calling to say hi! Simple.

Rick: There's an especially hot area in hell reserved just for you.

James: Perhaps, but hopefully it's a dry heat.

Rick: Whatever.

James: Excuse me a sec. (Goes to room and returns with his electronic date book. Picks up phone and enters a number after looking it up.) Hello, Marsha? It's James! What's going on? Uh uh. I see. That's great. So what are you doing Friday night? Great, I'll pick you up at seven then. See ya later, hot stuff! (Looks up another number and calls.) Marsha? It's Jame's! What's going on? Really? That's too bad. (looks at Rick and whispers.) Her cat ran away. (Back into the phone.) Umm, well how about I take you out Saturday to cheer you up then, okay? Well, I would Friday but I told my roommate I'd go visit his dying grandmother with him. He's just too upset to drive alone. Ok, I'll pick you up Saturday at seven, then.

Rick: So thanks for getting me involved.

James: Not a problem.

Rick: I can see that. So do you know which Marsha was the one that called now?

James: Nope, I haven't a clue. Doesn't matter. Oh, by the way, I hate to tell you this but I'll be a little short on the rent tomorrow.

Rick: Gee, thanks for the warning. Just how short?

James: All of it.

Rick: All of it? You make twice what I do!

James; I know. I'm sorry. It takes a lot to entertain the ladies. I'll make it up to you next month.

Rick: Oh, so you'll pay double next month?

James: Double?! Of course not, but I'll pay that month on time.

Rick: What about the other month?

James: That month's already over. Quit living in the past.

Rick: C'mon, I've got bills to pay too and 250 bucks is a lot to me.

James: Well, I get you a gallon of your favorite ice cream on the way home.

Rick: A gallon of ice cream! That doesn't come close to $250!

James: Alright, 2 gallons. Only because I'm in a good mood.


Rick: James!

James: Alright, I'm just messing with you. I'll pay what I can Friday. You know I have to have my ladies.

Rick: Don't you have enough?

James: Enough? Does Donald Trump have enough money?

Rick: Doesn't your conscience bother you with all these women you are stringing along?

James: Conscience? Those went out of style in the 80s. Besides, I would feel bad if I didn't see all these women. That would deprive them and me.

Rick: Oh, you humanitarian you.

James: You'd feel better if you had a woman. Perhaps I could loan you one of my reserves.

Rick: Don't do me any favors.

James: Yes, I'm sure I have some girl in the ‘N's for you.

Rick: ‘N's?

James: Yes. That stands for “Needy” or was it “Not that great”? I can't remember. I don't call them that much, but you never know when you'll hit a slump.

Rick: Do you feel anything for any of these women?

James: Sure, when I'm with them, but then it passes.

Rick: What happened to Heidi?

James: I'm still seeing her.

Rick: And Brandi?

James: I'm still seeing her.

Rick: And Linda?

James: She was married.


Rick: So you stopped seeing her?

James: Well, her husband started seeing me.

Rick: I see, so you do have some standards.

James: Nah, not really. Just survival instinct.

Rick: So dating married women doesn't bother you?

James: Why should it? Nobody's perfect.

Rick: What about you getting married someday?

James: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Rick: Well, maybe someday you'll get tired of just milk.

James: Look, I appreciate the offer but I'm not into dudes.

Rick: Very funny.

James: Besides, even if I considered it, this sloppy boxer look you have going on has definitely killed the mood.

Rick: Keep it up, smart ass.

James: Really, though, why would I want just one woman when I can have a plethora?

Rick: Learned a new word I see.

James: No, I just like the sound of it. Plethora. Might name a kid that if I have any.

Rick: I hope you're sterile then for the kid's sake.

James: A kid might be a good thing. I had a buddy who scored all sorts of women when he had a kid with him.

Rick: You're really pushing hard for that Father of the Year award aren't you?

James: Hey, the kid'll be alright with all the women to pamper him. It'll be parental cruise control.




Rick: Well, I hope he's born an orphan.

James: You're not making a sound case for yourself and one of my ‘N' chicks, you know.

Rick: Oh a thousand pardons. How will I ever survive?

James: Serously, though, you need a woman. I realize it might cut into valuable Star Trek time and all but even Kirk had to play.

Rick: I'll consider it.

James: Look, these ‘N' chicks will even go out with you. They'll even let you touch them. And since they don't inflate, you won't be so tired.

Rick: With friends like you…

James: I'm just kidding. Don't take it so personal. You won't be on my case so much if you had someone.

Rick: Yeah, I could let her rip into you too. It'd be like a tag team.

James: Whatever works, Rick. (Looks in his electronic date book)Hey here's a girl who'd be perfect for you. No, wait! She doesn't get out of the mental institution for a few months. Umm, let's see. No. No. No. Maybe. No. Yes, but she's in Calcutta right now. Umm...let's see. Still in a coma...turned lesbian...oh, yeah. Darlene. She'd be great. She's a mute though.

Rick: A mute> Look , I don't have anything against anyone with any disability but I really prefer two-way conversations.

James: Hey, if you're gonna be picky...hmm...well, there's Lucy...aaah, Lucy! I don't know if you're ready for Lucy.

Rick: Why wouldn't I be ready for Lucy?

James: Somethings you just gotta find out on your own. Well, she's a definite possibility. Well, you think it over and if you are feeling adventurous, I'll set it up for you, ok? Anyhow, I need to get ready.

Rick: I'll think it over. (Pause) Awfully late to be going to work isn't it? It's after 11 o' clock.

James: I emailed in sick today. Think that it said sick. Will check later.

Rick: Emailed? You can do that?

James: Yeah, I have a program with all types of excuses that will just email my boss at a set time. I get a copy too so I know the excuse. This avoids the whole direct lying/cross-examination thing on the phone.

Rick: Well, I thought you were the only one at the hospital who ran the kidney dialysis machines.

James: Well, technically yes, but I trained Smitty the janitor what to do. He loves it!

Rick: A janitor! It's that illegal or something?

James: Probably but he doesn't have any license to lose but he gets more pay. He mainly just likes wearing the scrubs to impress the nurses though.


Rick: That is just wrong on so many levels. What about the patients?

James: Oh, they're fine. Smitty's a natural. Really with all he handles in the toilets, dialysis isn't that much different.

Rick: Whatever. It's your funeral. So what are you getting ready for?

James: I have a lunch date.

Rick: Pretty hot time planned huh?

James: No, this is more damage control. A girl I have been seeing has been seeing someone else too.

Rick: Oooh, you poor thing.

James: yeah, I know. Anyhow, she's getting kinda serious about him so I have to put on some pressure so she'll think I'm wanting to be serious and end it with this guy.

Rick: But you don't even care about her.

James: Sure I do; just not like that.

Rick: Then why ruin her chances for happiness with someone who does?

James: Because I still wanna see her.

Rick: That's pretty selfish don't you think?

James: No, I'll still be spending MY time with her so how is that selfish?

Rick: You're impossible.

James: If I'm impossible why can I do this? (Makes funny faces at Rick)

Rick: I give up. Do whatever you wish.

James: Ok, I will. (Finishes getting dressed. Then just sits there looking puzzled.)

Rick: Don't you have to get going? It's almost noon.

James: Yes, I do.

Rick: Then why aren't you leaving?


James: I can't remember where I'm supposed to meet her.

Rick:  Well, does she have a cell phone? You could call her.

James: I can't remember her name either.



THE END



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The Woman Hunter-A One-Act Play


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