At the Dew Drop Inn with several patrons looking on,
Billy Ray Bumberschmidt and Eddie Lee Rogers got it on.
Billy challenged Eddie's manhood as the night grew long.
Anyone who knew Eddie knew that was just plain wrong.
Not a man to let harsh words fall and go idle;
Eddie responded with his passion unbridled.
if he were female he'd have used a whole bottle of Midol.
“O.K., Billy, I challenge you to see who holds manhood's title!”
Fistcuffs, billiards, darts were options bandied about;
for the proper approach, there was a mental drought.
Then, like lightning hitting his brain, Billy spun about,
“How about a hot sauce contest?” he did excitedly shout.
“Hot sauce contest?” Billy asked, looking quizzical,
thinking the best option was for things to get physical.
“Yeah,” replied Eddie, as the mood became mystical.
He lived on hot sauce as a baby through his umbilical.
“We'll do shot after shot of a different hot sauce;
whoever caves in and begs for a drink gets the loss.
Then all will know for sure who the boss;
And out the door the loser, we'll toss.”
Eddie ponders this for half a sec;
“Yeah, sure, what the heck!”
On the bar, shots were set
starting out mild to hit the deck.
Tabasco to Hade's Holler were among
the hellshots of every fiery rung
Some labels were in unknown tongue;
having strange ingredients like bat dung.
Billy volunteered to go first
and drank his shot with unholy thirst.
He didn't even blink or curse,
“Yeah, baby, do your worst!'
Eddie sneered at Billy's face,
as cheers rose about the place.
He took his shot, no drop to waste;
Then downed another in quick pace.
Slowly both their faces became reddened;
The sounds now were completely deadened.
Tenacious when their manhood's threatened;
their brows were both fully sweatin'.
The pain on Billy's face was inhuman;
Blisters on his tongue were bloomin'
The agony had him fumin';
each shot poured more gloom in.
Eddie, for his shot, was fetchin'
He was on the verge of retchin'
He moved a can near for "vomit ketchin'",
still confident he'd teach Billy a lesson.
Words fail to describe what happened next;
Witnesses there are still perplexed.
As if the result of some horrific hex,
Billy's head exploded in a fire of Tex-Mex.
Flames shout out in a huge gas cloud,
singeing drinkers all around
When at last the fire calmed down,
Billy and Eddie were ashes on the ground.
Debate still goes on to this day,
If things differed in life's play;
would Billy have ruled the day
Or would Eddie have won to his dismay?
