I have a talking lavatory
No honestly it's true
A surreal type of experience
Now going to the loo
At first it only whispered
It hadn't any choice
But gradually it acquired
Full use of its voice
It's a wonderful conversationalist
With a rather intellectual slant
Very much taken to discussing
The works of Emmanuel Kant
It's a very discreet talker
Only speaks to me alone
I feel like a type of royalty
Sitting on my throne
I know it only speaks to me
No one else for sure
I've quietly listened to check
At the bathroom door
It's a very conscientious article
Doesn't ever allow me to shirk
And it never ever forgets to remind me
To complete necessary paper work
I tried to get it on tv
Guest in a live chat show
But when mine host arrived
It just didn't want to know
With all those cameras there
I did feel rather absurd
My treacherous little implement
Refused to say a word
It's wonderful in this hospital
They've give me the best
And I really have enjoyed
My days of enforced rest
First thing when I get home
Guess what I'm going to do
I'm going to get a fireman's axe
And smash that blooming loo
Unless it agrees of course
To give a very public interview
Then I'll jolly well prove
Who's the strongest
For he who laughs last
Tends to laugh the longest
