Today and Eery Day (A Prose Piece) I am looking out of the dining room window. Autumn sunshine is bathing the back lawn, and reaching to touch everything it possibly can.
It gently caresses the browning leaves on the trees, making them glint slightly. They move as if responding to a lover's touch, as the breeze passes through them.
Then before I know it, the sun disappears behind a cloud leaving everything dull and colourless. It seems like all life has been suddenly extinguished.
I envy the sun. It must be nice to hide like that, letting the clouds shield and protect you, until you feel ready to shine again.
I wish I were the clouds themselves, constantly floating, always in motion, and able to escape from everything that could hold them there.
I want to run away. It would be lovely to be free of my broken body, just for a moment. A single blissful moment, when I would shine.
The Cerebral Palsy would cease to be and the pain that goes with it would vanish, like a whisper does, into thin air.
I dream of a time when I am equal. It would be so amazing to be free of it. I want to be accepted, just as the changes in the seasons are.
Underneath this damaged shell, there is a human being just like you. Tears fall from my eyes when I cry and if you cut me, I will bleed. Last time I checked, my heart was still beating, although, I admit there are days when I wish it wasn't.
What I hate more than anything is that I am unable to work. You see, sometimes the exhaustion is just too much. My body will not do what I ask it to, and the pain can be excruciating.
It is a ripping, tearing, gnawing sensation. There are so many days when it is sharp and relentless. I want to scream out in shear frustration, because I didn't ask for this.
I wish I was strong enough to have a job, to meet people, and say "Good morning. What needs doing today?" I'd love a salary, and to be able to feel like I have accomplished something at the end of the day.
I don't want to live on benefits, and I can't stand the look in some people's eyes when I tell them I don't work. It is a nasty mixture of pity, and evident disdain.
I hope that one day society will change its values. They will see people, their struggles and their smiles rather than how much they earn and what car they drive.
It is soul destroying to be in a world where that counts for hardly anything at all. The truth is that I feel increasingly worthless, and I wish I could be burnt away, like clouds are on summer days.
I am not saying for one moment that I am suicidal. I am not. Compared with others, I am so lucky.
My husband and I love each other so much, and everyday he makes me feel like I am the most special person alive. He says it is a privilege to be able to hold me when I cry, and to listen to me when I am frustrated and angry with myself. He sees the real me, a woman, and his best friend.
In these uncertain times, I can only hope that people's worth will be measured in other, truer ways, and there will be more people like him.
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