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ROADS, BRIDGES AND FENCES
Though I would not know it until I journeyed life for miles and miles, nor until I chose my roads; some paved, some dirt, and some I made myself. Not until I made turns on those roads, took some detours, crossed some bridges and jumped some fences. Not until instead of stopping, I passed by open gates, some I wish I had walked through, some I wish I had opened further, some I wish I had stayed within –- and certainly some I wish I never came across…surely some I wish forgotten… Not until there were roads and bridges I could see from afar but could not find my way to…some I got lost within, some beautiful, some I only heard of, some too close to even see; some I crossed, and some I ran from. Not until there were roads of laughter and I found the road of regret and until some roads were too far to hope for and some I wish I still were on… Not until I couldn't find a single solitary person to show me the way to a road in my life to get to my destination – a destination I did not even know... And not until I gave up looking for it and I discovered that I could make my own road and that it could lead to anywhere…or nowhere. Not until I sometimes chose the road to nowhere hoping I'd end up anywhere but where I was... Not until I realized that my life was my road map, my steps were my decisions and that the roads I chose were etched within me – some all of you can see, some no one can see, some I don't want to see and some I cannot bear to see again. Not until each road had a price all its own – some of them I paid, some I could not. Some I paid dearly for, some I will forever owe and some I am glad I will never pay... Not until I took apart some gates, destroyed some bridges and built some fences – some so high I could not climb, some so low I passed them by. Not until I burned some roads, and built my own bridges and until there were bridges I never crossed but wish I had, bridges I forgot, and bridges I destroyed and still…some I haven't finished…some I never will... There was the road my mother wanted for me and there was the road my father never bothered to show me... Then once when I was free, seeing many roads before me, there were the roads I paved and the roads that just appeared…both the ones by me and the ones by everyone else. Roads I found many friends on; friends I kissed and hugged as we walked those roads together; sometimes one, sometimes many more, some who became enemies and some enemies who became friends. Not until I had friends I vowed I would never lose, friends who cried with me, who cried for me, friends who I held on to and some who cried all over me, some I held and some who hated me. Though on the very same road I was on they were as well, yet somehow magically each one with a different destination, a different journey, a different outcome..same road. For each one of us and now none of us, even remember the road we met on... Not until I was an grown woman, a worn out day at work, with no one in my life I had come home and I sat perfectly on my couch with my suit and bothersome high heels still on…perusing through the television channels I happened upon a childhood cartoon episode that looked so familiar and that I remembered from so long ago. Not until as I watched it knowing even today what each character would do, how they looked and what they would say. I kicked off my shoes and slowly ascended from the couch, my eyes never leaving the screen, I drew closer and closer to the television. And as I sat on the floor with my legs crossed like an Indian with my face boring into the screen, I noticed that I was smiling. I remember now that -- for that time how quiet the apartment had been, how an atmosphere of frenzy had replaced itself with calmness – the telephone didn't ring and surely I had now forgotten all I must have had to do for myself or with friends that night…and there I remained watching all the cartoons I knew, smiling and giggling on the floor…all alone in my apartment. And not until days, months, and even years later that enchanting night had come to mind, and though I tried, I could not duplicate that moment in time again and not until I was secretly grateful that I had the moment at all… Not until at a period in my life I faced myself and realized that my actions, my words, and my thoughts were stardust and that wasn't what I wanted at all. What I wanted was the star. Some fences were lined with flowers…the ones my friends were in, others lined with barbed wire…the ones my fears were in; and still some were traps. Not until some roads had a light shining on them and some were so dark I could not see them -- though I took them. Some gates were open – some of those I wish I had locked, yet others that were locked -- I wish I had opened and later found weren't locked at all... Not until I wished I had pushed myself further and finished my journeys on some roads -- instead of turning back. And not until it was clear that instead of finding, destroying or building some bridges in my life I should have jumped into the water because I learned that as sure as I am of a breath I take – that the day comes when that bridge will disappear... Some fences had questions within them though the answers lied outside of them. Some fences looked beautiful from afar yet when I reached them I got there to find -- nothing there at all. The people that I thought were within those fences were my enemies; the people outside those fences were not my friends...or were they? For they quietly moved within those fences where my enemies could be found, yet at times appeared outside of those fences where my friends could be found…or were they? And I cried because I could no longer tell one from the other – and I was afraid I never would. ~*~ -Dianne Lee-Aseng
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