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ABOUT: Visitor's Online: Ren's Testimony And overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not thier lives unto the death. (Revelation 12:11} The Death: Coming from an abusive background of many years. I can relate to the trauma it causes a person. The abnormal becomes normal and the normal is abnormal. By the time the abuse continues for years upon years, you come to a state of nothingness. You do not know who you are or what you feel. Your afraid, full of guilt, shame, blaming others, worthlessness, afraid of people, places, yet you seek out ones who abuses you, because it is all you know. You dont know your picker is broke. You dont know that you do not have the power to make ones love you or hate you. You cant seems to clear your thoughts. The cycle runs over and over through your mind and you have no control over anything anymore. Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? Many many questions with no answers. You tried men, sex, drugs, alcohol, self-mutilating, prositution, searching for something to fill the emptiness inside of you. My abuse ended when I was 14 with my parents, I was living on the streets. But in my mind it stayed haunting me for the next 17 years. I was thinking abuse is love. I knew no other kind of love. Suicide thoughts was always at the door of my mind. Tried but never succeeded. I wanted peace and love, but did not know where to begin. I was in and out of mental hospitals, jails, and abusive relationships. Not including what my 3 children had to go through. Their mother was a drunk, drug addict, on 12 different medications, mentally incable of making any healthy decesions. I grew up physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, I was a child trapped in an adult body. I was trying to look normal on the outside, when I was dead on the inside. My soul screamed out for love and acceptance. While I was in this state of mind, I could not see the problem. I could not see the solution. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Afraid to live and afriad to die. People spoke of hope, but I never believed this was possible for me. I was surround with darkness and I was scared. I could not hardly leave my apartment, answer the door or phone. The voices I heard told me things I did not like and was unable to control them. It was torment day and night. No one seem to understand. Even doctors just gave me more meds, which made things worse for me. I was a zombie, dead, and numb on the inside. I cried all the time wanted the madness to end. I believed I thought I was the worst person alive. I was so full of shame and guilt. I thought I was a failure at being a daughter, sister, wife, and mother. I could not keep a job. I got into sorcery, tarot cards, biker gangs, hypmotism, and things I am not proud of. I did not believe I had a choice to live or die. I did not believe I had a voice because no one heard me. I did not know someone knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. I did not know I was loved. I did not know that every single tear that fell from my eyes someone heard each teardrop. I did not know someone died for me so I could live. I did not know that I would die on Novemember 4, 1992 and go from a victum to being a surviver! I did not know I would go from a surviver to living in Christ Jesus, I did not know I would go from Living in Christ Jesus to walking in the Spirit. I did not know I would go from walking in the Spirit to being a God fearing women of God! My journey begins... The Burrial: I speak of the day Jesus found me as my day of death. This is the day the madness ended. I died to myself, my will, my flesh, and to my sin. I wanted all this over with. I did not have the strength to live any longer. Today, I was going to die. I was not going to live this way any longer. I thought of my children, but only felt they would be better off without me. The pain inside felt like millions of pieces of glass piercing my very soul. I wondered if God would forgive me. I wondered if my children would forgive me. As my mind raced from flashback to flashback. I screamed out to God. I did not know why I called out to Him. I knew I had nothing to offer Him and He must hate me as well. I had never done anything good in my life, that I could recall. I saw only pain in my past and I saw no furture for me. I said "Today, I am going to die and no one will stop me." With a box knife in my hand and pain in my heart, I began to slice away at my arms. Not once, twice, or 40 times. As many times as I could. Then I heard something, it was a voice, but not like any voice I had heard before. I dont know if the voice was audio or not. But I heard it. I remember seeing my life flash before me. From the time I was around six years old till this day. I remember seeing myself as a small child, lying in my bed crying, a few days after I had been raped by my dad, and asking the Lord, to come and get me, to let me die. I knew who this voice was. It was the Lord. He showed me where He heard my cries all my life. That He was there. Every suicide attempt, He was there. Every beating, rape, and tear, He was there. Every divorce, He was there. Every death, He was there. He showed me where he had stoped the bullet when a gun was placed to my head and the trigger pulled, the gun jammed, and then the man who did this, that I was engaged to, turned the gun on himself and killed himself. Seem like this vision went on forever, although only a few moments had passed by. When I awoke I wepted, but it was different then before. I accpeted Jesus Christ that day. I saw the most beautiful blue sky, white clouds, and green leaves on the trees. It was like I was seeing for the first time. As if I was being born. I felt no longer empty but something had filled the void inside of me. It was Jesus and His love that entered me that day. I knew I was not alone. I said to the Lord, I am nothing, but if you can take this nothing and make it into something for Your glory, then I am yours. I repented of all my past sins. And accepted Jesus in my heart. I was burried and washed that day, covered by the blood of Jesus and washed by His blood. And I felt clean for the first time in my life. I was baptized by water a few days later. And soon would realize my newness of life and the baptism of the Holy Ghost. The purging begins... The Resurrection: Here I began my newness of life. I went from church to church trying to get fed. I would like to say this was found in the church building, but it was not. I received the baptism of the Holy Ghost when I was alone with the Lord. Some people believe that you receive this when you accept Christ, and are water baptized, but this is not how it happened for me. Some accept the first 2 steps but never the 3rd step. They accept the Death and Burrial and then stop there. There is more. Jesus will baptize you with Holy Ghost and Fire. As you begin to sit under the Comforter, and let Him teach you all things and bring to your rememberance the words of Christ. You begin to grow and get impowered from on High. As you study His Word , you plant and water seeds inside yourself. The closer you walk to Him, the closer he walks to you. The more you give to Him, the more He gives to you. You give Him your old life and gives you a new life in Him. I started to give to Jesus my guilt, shame, hatred, anger, depression, medications, aloholism, drug addiction, etc, etc, etc. And He started giving to me the Fruit and Gifts of His Spirit. My eyes were begining to open to a Spiritual Realm of things and I was learning who the enemy really was. He was teaching me about His armour and how to be girded about with Truth. He was setting me free. The Truth makes you free from the lies of the devil. I begin to see sin for what it really was. I started to see the evil and sins, that Satan kept me blind from for so many years. Many dreams and vision began to come. I begin to ask for things that He had given to others in His Word. I begin to see me in the Word of God. I was the woman at the well, I was the prositute at Jesus' feet, and I was the cutter that lived in the tombs cutting himself with stones. I started to ask for strength, faith, dreams, visions, widsom, knowledge, and undersanding. This was a long tough road for me, because I had to relearn and be taught all over again. The Lord was refining me and molding me into a vessel He could use for His glory. I had no ideal what plans He had for me but I begin to trust Him as the layers of my old life began to strip away. I developed a hunger and thrist for Him and His Word. I begin leaned on the Lord and studied His Word night and day. I began to become a God fearing woman. As well as prayed. I done alot of crying. I believe this is part of the healing. A few years later I dated a few times but I still did not find true christian men. I begin to realize that I still could not pick good relationships for myself. I realized the most important relationship was the one I had with Jesus Christ. In 1999 I got a computer and internet. And begin to go to christian rooms. I was started helping in a chatroom called Jesus Is at Yahoo. I met my husband, Mike online in that Chatroom at Yahoo. We both got ordained as pastors. Problems still come up and tribulation still come. But we have learned better how to overcome them. The Lord allows the tests so He can turn them into a testimony for His glory. And He takes our mess and turns it into a message. We do not know what else the Lord has instore for us but we know that it is good because Jesus is a Good God. We can take the Lord's correction because we know He loves us. The Father knows what is best. I can sit in His refiner's seat and let Him refine me. The Lord begin to refine me more by showing me my true place as a woman of God and as a wife to my husband. That I am to be a helper and obedient unto God and unto my own husband, and a servant unto the body of Christ. I desire to be a women of God, an obedient wife to my husband, a mother, and a servant to the body of Christ. The Lord show me truth through His Word and I have accepted His will that His Word not be blasphemed. He is not done with any of us yet until we hear "Well Done, My good and faithful servants!" But what I long for is for Jesus to wrap His arms around me and say " I love you, daughter." We have to stay teachable unto His Spirit. Study to shew thyself approved unto Him. Fight the good fight, finish the course, keep the faith, and stored up for us is a crown of righteous, that the Righteous Judge, Jesus Christ, shall give us in that day, and to all them that love His appearing! Love in Christ, Pastor Ren
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