Free me from myself

I was always a skinny child,
Not often I got fed.
And when I grew up and realized,
If you don't eat you could wind up dead.

So there began a relationship with food,
One of comfort not hunger.
And into my life it took over,
How could i have been so naive you may wonder.

So I began to grow and grow,
Getting bigger and wanting more.
Not thinking about what i put into myself,
No care for where the calories would go.

So I decided enough was enough,
And I wanted to change my state of mind.
Cos' I was fed up of being treated cruel,
Just cos' I was bigger people would treat me so unkind.

Now this is where it started,
I began to realize.
There was absolutely no reason,
For me to be that size.

I was very rarely hungry,
I ate for comfort sake.
So one day I ate and had an urge,
To make myself sick.

So I did and from then on in,
Every time I looked into the mirror,
I saw my body was getting thin....

So then came the addiction,
I could eat to comfort myself.
But there was no reason to digest it,
I've never cared about my health.

I know this sounds so selfish,
And i know it all too well.
My body should be my temple,
But being me is a living hell.

I guess I like to suffer,
I like to punish me for who I am.
I somehow feel that I deserve this,
Remaining a victim is easier done.

Now its not other people that torture me anymore,
I torture and punish myself.
Now since I've lost so much weight,
People think I have good health.

It's laughable how I hide behind,
A skinny face and trim waste line.
But no-one knows whats going on inside,
My heads like a massive roller coaster ride.

That never ends....

But now no more nasty comments
like "look at that fat cow"
Just wow you look amazing,
If only they knew how!

So now I'm passed bulimia,
It's gone further than that.
I now refuse to eat at all,
I can not go back to being fat.

I am not proud of what I do,
I am aware that I need help.
I've never told another living soul.
So through words I confess it spelt.

Emotions running high,
Nerves melting as I write.
So self harm continues,
To overrule my life.

Do I tell a doctor?
Do I tell my mum?
Do I tell a friend?
Do I tell someone?....

It's all my fault,
I choose what I do.
I let others destroy me,
And changed myself too.

So we live in a world,
And we search all our lives.
To find the person we are,
We do wrongs and rights.

Will there come a time,
When I'll be free from me?
And stop punishing myself,
What's to be is to be.

A vicious circle,
Trapped in solid claws.
Self hatred and self loathing,
There shall be no reward.

There was a time when I would eat cos I was unhappy,
But then I was unhappy cos' I ate.
Now It's been reversed but I am still unhappy,
I guess wallowing in misery is my fate.

Maybe there's some therapy,
That one day I will do.
And come out of this depression,
And change my mind set too.

Is this a cry for help,
Or a release of feelings dark and deep.
I am the author of my life,
I have to help myself to find the life I seek.

It's so easier to say this,
It's not so easy to do.
I should be happy with who I am,
I wish i could believe that to be true.

One day! Please tell me one day...

These feelings will go away,
Never to return.
And despite the stupid things I do,
My lessons will be learned.

((((Free me from myself))))

Copyright ©2010 Natalie Rawlings

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