Tattoos in Mayberry

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I put a Gypsy's curse on your Blackberry
I speed dated your half-sister
then we had rough sex, while secretly taping
the event on video selling it to a porn site
Using those royalties, I enrolled in
locksmithing classes so as to make
a duplicate key to your front door
Then let myself in.
I invited your labradoodle to frolic in your swimming pool
with my pitbull
who tore off her ear.
I spray painted "Peace" and "Free love"
on your awnings and roof in your favorite colors
"orange and black."
I enrolled you in every high interest
credit card I could find
Good news you were 100% approved
Your lawn jockey is now
a platinum club member of The NAACP
A gold star donor to Save The Children
and a black tie charter contributor to Greenpeace
Incidentally,
You now possess, on a first come
first serve basis, full off season usage
of a luxury time share condo
in sunny Port Au Prince Haiti
I joked to the Vicar how you only go to church
because it looks good on your resume

I am enjoying un-safe sex
with your ex-wife 
 and have made solid plans
to winter together with your alimony check
I bent your putter
I took a leak in your golf bag
I told all the children in the neighborhood
you've been hoarding Oreo Cookies
I borrowed your F-350, Super duty,and did
super doughnuts in the police chiefs
now super torn up,
front yard
 later phoning the incident in as an eye witness
I compromised your business e-mail account
then,enrolled you in everything
your spam mail was offering
The Crown Prince from Sri Lanka inexplicably chose you
to transfer millions
in unclaimed funds to your bank account
I hope you don't mind I gave him
your unlisted phone number
address
social security number
and check routing numbers
We just closed the deal
I donated your garden gnome
to a thrift store three towns away
along with your tailored
hand stitched
silk, Brooks Brothers Suits
Don't worry I snatched you up a fine assortment
of day-glo, polyester leisure suits,
from their bargain rack
I shorted out your bug zapper
I enrolled a nice toothless older woman
in the Delta Dental plan
sending you the bill
for her first year's premium
Did I mention
your priceless autographed Joe Dimaggio
baseball now reads Jdel DEMAggEd
Have a nice day

Buddy Bee Anthony


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