For All the Abused Kids Out There! You're NOT Alone!

It's long, but if you are being or were abused, please read it.
There is life after abuse, and there is help!!

All Alone...
But Help 'Is' At Hand!!

...Listen up kids...
Don't be like me!
Get help!

TELL SOMEONE!!!

I didn't tell anyone, only mum and my aunty knew,
I know to this day, if I were to tell my brothers...
They wouldnt believe me...And I wouldnt marr their memories of him.
***********
When I was a child I felt all alone,
Beaten by my father in the family home!
My mother never saved me from his rage,
I think he should have been locked in a cage!
It wasn't a ‘hiding' which I find is a ‘smack',
But rather, a boxing match but I couldn't hit back!
I've been thrown over the piano and hit the floor,
Once my aunty tried to get me out of the door!

At that time I was thrown across the room,
Landed on my back, I thought I'd met my doom.
He usually did it while we were at home alone,
When no one was there, just us at home!
He used to box in the Army, and didn't I know!
Cos when he would beat me, he let himself go!
Mum said she was scared to stop him in flight,
And most times he beat me during the night.

...Mum would be at the bingo, we both alone,
Yep, I was terrified, in my family home!
I can't remember when it all started on me?
But I know I was small, I was only little you see.
And as I grew up, the beatings got worse,
Many times I prayed to die, my life was a curse.
But I didn't die, and God kept me strong,
I just wanted them to stop, for peace I'd long.

Sometimes all it took for a beating was a look!
One night I padded my coat with many a book!
Cos I had gone carol singing, oh woe was me!
But when I walked away, he was livid you see!
So he roared at me to take the sixpence back,
And I knew without a doubt I was in for a ‘smack'!
The lady told dad it was perfectly fine,
She wanted to give me it, it was Christmas time!

All the kids did it, it was what everyone did,
But they never got hit, so I ran upstairs and hid!
And that's a time I put comics up my coat,
And when he saw them he grabbed my throat!
I was 13 years old for that particular one,
Oh woe is me, my life just wasn't fun!
But he slipped up once, his sister was there,
She saw his rage and knew he didn't care!

She screamed as he threw me across the floor,
And as he did he pushed the chair to the door!
I was on my back, legs and arms pinned to the floor,
While he sat on my torso and beat me some more!
I really thought that time I was going to die,
In fact, I wanted to, but I couldn't even cry!
The fear that night was one I'll never forget,
In fact, it's like yesterday, my mind is set.

My aunty was screaming; ‘Stop hitting her!'
But he was in a rage, he forgot she was there!
While he was still beating me there on the floor,
She pulled the chair away from the door!
Ran into the hall - the phone was there,
She dialled for a taxi, wallowed in fear!
I don't know what she said, she wouldn't say;
But told them it was urgent! They came right away!

As she dragged me up and away from my dad,
She ran me out of the house, boy was I glad!
As we started running the taxi did arrive,
Picked us up, I was lucky to be alive.
We got to her home, my face black and blue,
My uncle went sick, didn't know what to do!
Next morning at breakfast, my face was a mess,
No school for me, they'd want answers, I guess?

2 nights later, my aunty went sick!
Said; ‘your dad is here! Go and hide quick!'
My dad came into the house I was upstairs,
And I have to say, I was really scared!
He told my aunty he dreamt I had died!
Over and over, my dad stood and cried.
Asked to see me, but my aunty said no,
Said; ‘she's upset, its best you go!'

‘Come back tomorrow, she should be ok,'
So dad went off saying he'd see us next day!
I never slept all night, and my aunty was scared,
She's never forgotten what she saw and heard.
Like them all before, I got over it once again,
It's a flipping wonder I didn't go insane!
For some you forget; and some you don't,
I could tell you more, but I guess I won't!

The thing is this, and you'll think I'm mad,
But I loved him, I did, he was my dad.
And he loved me; he really, really did,
He just had a foul temper that he always hid!
But that time he was seen, I think he went sick,
No sicker than my aunty, so we legged it out quick!
I didn't know I could have gone the police?
And they would have made the beatings cease.

But I did want to run away all the time,
Cos I knew he'd do it again, it was a crime!
I didn't know this; till many years had gone by,
But his memories hurt him, and he'd always cry.
I got epilepsy; he blamed himself for that too,
It was only cos of a brain tumour not what he'd do!
He thought he caused the tumour on my brain,
But he didn't do that, but I'm told it sent him insane!

The guilt lived with him all of his life - I am told,
But I forgive him, though it took years to unfold.
Then I dissected it, went for counselling too,
Got it out of my head, as only I could do!
But when he died, I was filled with hate,
It didn't make sense wasn't this a bit late?
I was angry! Cos I never told him he was wrong...
And I never deserved punches from one so strong!

I got over the hate; I think I was upset...?
...That I never told him I didn't deserve what I'd get!
But that's all gone now I've put that to bed,
All the hate's gone, and I won't speak ill of the dead.
I never told anyone, no, not a single one,
I didn't dare, or my life would be done!
And later in life when my daughter was born,
He was a lot calmer, no beating no more!
**********
Love does strange things...

Cos the only time he came near to an apology,
Or acknowledged he did it all...
Was the week before I got married;
He took me to one side and said:

‘I only did it cos I wanted you to be a good girl,
‘Dad,' I said;
‘I didn't need it beating into me, I ‘am' a good girl!'

I was 19. That was the only time it was mentioned.
It was a closed book.

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