I cry
I cry
And I don't know why
The pain becomes my home
I was strong
Desperately brave
A lighthouse in my soul
And then it all fell down
It had to of course
But who knew it would crash once it hit the floor
But take a moment to assess my sins
The ones I paid for,
And the ones I'll forever be in debt to
Look at the pictures
The scars and desperation
Tell me quiet stranger
What do you see?
What do you predict?
Tell me if I'm alive
Look in these mirrored eyes
Tell me if you see a soul
Do you see it?
Yes?
Now stare into my heart
Is it still there?
Does it beat?
I ask only cause I don't know
I hear it no longer,
I feel as if my chest is light,
A weight ripped from its seams
It's liberating I tell you
Walk a day without a heart
Let your eyes see everything
Let your brain focus on the world around you
Give a logical reason to it all
Give me statistics
How many broken people do you see?
10?
20?
Maybe more
Maybe even thousands
But notice no tinge in your chest
Notice your chest does not need for explosion when you see this girl crying
Alone in a corner
Sad isn't it?
No, maybe not.
Now come back to me.
Yes, a little closer
Here-I give you a gift
Though I know it only as a curse
It's a heart, brand new out of the box
It's beating, go ahead and take it
There, now I will ask something of you
Walk that same path
See the same street signs, the same billboards
Still feel nothing but a thump?
Ok, now travel down this alley, and that tressel
See the heartache, see the tears, the scars?
And if you look close enough,
You can still see the traces of desperation on their faces
Feel the hurt, feel the pain
Feel the helplessness
Yes, breathe in the air
Does it taste good?
Does it feel good?
No, I thought not
I see you double over in pain
I see you scream as tears stream down your anguished face
Fun isn't it?
To feel the pain, to feel the ache
Now tell me stranger,
Is it all it is supposed to be?
This emotion we call love,
This beating we call necessary?
No, let me answer.
Of course not.
This heart we hold in our chests,
It is nothing but an anchor
A dead weight that will only make our life harder
Yes, you see it now
You second guess yourself, you feel rejection
Pain-pain that makes you cry out in horror
Pain that aches for blood
A logical mind would tell you love is just a combination of chemicals,
What is most attractive, what suits us best,
And we claim that this is the reason to live?
To love and be loved?
Now you know the truth stranger
Now you see their conspiracies
Their lies
You've eaten it up
Believed in true love, soul mates
How I pity you man,
How I pity you.
Oh-but worry not little man,
For I have a story to go with this hate
I did not always find myself wondering these streets with an empty chest and a lesson to teach.
No, I was once like you
I believed in love.
I believed in it so much I even thought there was someone out there for me,
To love me, to care for me
Once I was a child, of a loving family
A mother as my own army
A sister as a best friend
Life was grand, when love was real
The sun was brighter,
Even the air tasted sweeter.
But soon I learned to doubt this utopia
My army began to attack me,
My best friend leading the assault
At first it was all so scary, so life and death
But as time went on,
I felt my heart grow a little colder,
A little stronger,
And soon I was ok with the attacks
I had built fortresses,
And readied my words for a defense
And I won every time
This lasted no long friend,
Not in the span of forever-
It only lasted a moment
Because time truly only started till I met him.
...
He had dark eyes, and smooth hair
His smile use to light up the whole world for me,
And when he said my name-
oooh I was unbreakable
When we met,
I kissed him softly the first time,
Just to make sure he was real
And then I gave him everything
My body, my mind, even my soul
Why you ask?
Because I knew he was 'the one'
I knew he had wings on his back,
Because he was the only one to catch my heart,
Before it fell to the floor and burned
He was the only one who even tried
So I let this romeo in,
Listened to his promises, believed in his dreams
He even helped me discover mine
We laughed together, we cried together
We believed in love together
But the world around us was crashing down
I ran out of ammunition for the attacks,
And had borrowed all of his
And still we were losing
So we made a choice
We cut our losses
And he carried me off into the sunset
Our love would last forever,
Nothing could hurt us now
But before you smile dear stranger,
Listen to the 2nd chapter of this story of mine
For when we went off into the sunset,
Little did we know that I had been wounded
Shot straight through the soul
Can you still see the scar?
We didn't know, we had no clue
But before you know it,
Things became unglued
We started fighting, little by little
Until we grew to our own assaults
But we both were out of ammo,
So our love still grew
Fast forward to a year gone by,
And we made a pact to be soul mates,
Forever we said
And sealed it with a kiss
It was beautiful, oh so beautiful
But only for a moment
And then it began
The screaming, the crying
The words of acid
The scars of love
And we soon learned I was wounded,
And like the man he is,
He tried to heal me, tried to fix me
But I had lost too much of my soul,
Too much of my being
We found ourselves up all night,
Trying to stitch back my beaten soul
And it would work, but only for a little while
A day here, a week there
Maybe even longer
But every time I started to heal,
Something happened
And we would have to start back from scratch again
Mending and working
Loving and trying
And slowly but surely,
I saw the light in his eyes start to dim,
Little by little I saw them darken
A hate had been born in my general,
And I had not known till it was too late
He said he couldn't take it anymore,
He said he needed to see me heal
He needed to see me better
I lost so much of my soul he said,
He needed to see that lighthouse again
So I tried and tried,
I re mended the stitches when I could,
I cleaned the wound when it bled,
And slowly, but surely,
I felt myself getting stronger,
Getting faster
But I fell, and the stitches started to rip,
And before I knew it,
He was screaming and he was crying
And I was to blame for it all
He said he was done,
He said he couldn't do it any more
And I knew he now had been the one wounded
Yet the hole was so much bigger
So I cried
And cried
And for a little bit,
The pain of it all had become my home
My sanctuary
And then I found the light again,
I found it in my ammo room,
And discovered I have so much ammo now,
I don't need my generals ammo anymore,
And I can give it all back
I can take care of him now
I was filled with so much pride and happiness when I told him this,
But when he laughed in my face,
And the hate burned brighter in his eyes,
I knew I had to prove my strength again,
Prove my worth
So I did,
I fought hard,
But proudly
And I thought he was watching and waiting the whole time
But in reality,
He had burned his eyes and plugged his ears
So that now the only things that he could see
And hear
Were what he replayed in his head.
The battles and wars we fought,
And how it felt like it was
All just a loss..
I waited for him to heal,
I waited what felt like an eternity,
Only to realize he hadn't even begun to heal
Begun to want to heal
So now I sit here with you friend,
So now I sit here with no heart in this chest of mine.
No I did not throw it away,
Or bestow my curse into another
No,
I left my heart with him
I left it in his lap
His hands securely on it
So when he unplugged his ears,
He would hear the strength in its every beat,
Every thump
And when his eyes healed,
He would see how I never left him,
Not even in the darkness
And maybe, just maybe,
When his soul heals,
He'll feel that my soul is healed now too,
Not because he'll see it in my eyes,
Hear it in my words
Or feel it in my heart-
But because he'll know it in his soul
Because we are soul maters,
after all.
But the sad thing,
The most horrible part of this story,
Is that I don't know how long it will take,
Or if it will happen at all
So now I sit here with you my friend,
And I wait.
I wait. And wait. And wait.
And soon my hair will turn grey,
My skin will lose its vibrancy,
And still I will sit here and wait
Until he finds me again
Will I wait forever you ask?
Why of course,
What a silly question
Because though I've shown you how love is brutal, and love is pain
