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 SEEDS OF GROWTH by Pam

AT LAST I AWAKEN FROM THE DARKENESS



(A tribute to my Heavenly child, Marnie, 1974-1977)

At last, I awaken from the darkness!
Forsaken, I to myself;
For No one had put me there;
though, admittedly, I did long to place
the blame elsewhere!

The care with which I planned my torture
 (body, mind, emotion damned!)
would have scoffed a Devil's notion,
such was my devotion to suffer each
black day.

So long ago, it began; this pride of pain.
My first born died.  I was to blame!
(and truly did believe so)
Thenceforth, I sacked my shattered heart
and tied the knot as tight as twine would
save that part of me;
bloody tears; crystallized, frozen pain
my loveless guide.

A babe, she was; not yet three,
but long enough a part of me
so I could learn to Love and smile
and glow when she said, "Mommy!"
Nor ever had there been a sound more
heartfelt or profound as such to fill
my ears in all these years passed by.

Her given name was Marnie Lea
and she seemed suited to the melody
her name possessed, as best I trust
my memory of then.
And strange as it may seem, I've never
heard her name again.
But hardened hearts I've
come to know can often bring a deafening,
and of the truth a shadow!

Yet, I do recall, flawlessly,
the essence of my Marnie Lea:
The day my body gave her birth,
the nature of her time on earth,
and all the days of sickness my little one endured.


While I, in my self-pity cried
and sobbed so loud one day she heard
(despite the deafness in one ear)
and found her way to me.
(by then she walked with difficulty).
There she smoothed her tiny hands upon my wetted face,
and with the Grace of God beside her,
tried to soothe "MY" agony!

Yet hers, the greater so it seemed to me
that I cried all the more for it; wishing not to live,
and out of my stupidity
Refused the gift she'd tried so hard to give.
 
She knew her time to be with me was like the ocean's tide;
waters gentle ebb and flow to patiently abide.
A visitor to quench a thirst,
the parched dry sand, a new rebirth,
then back to Mother Ocean's side.

Not long thereafter, in my arms, her little body died.

And as I said, I cursed myself,
crazed with demons in my mind;
like Jackal's snapping at their prey,
or gorging on one left behind.

For thirty years I raged inside,
not knowing what I knew.
Though slowly as each day grew;
stretching year by year,
the hour of reason finally came
and whispered in my ear.

How very blind I'd been that day
when God had stood beside my child
and I beguiled refused His way;
Her gift of Love and Peace of mind
Acceptance of "Their" will, not mine!

At last I am awakened and
can see my daughter's gift to me.
My heart has found its Peaceful place
Beside my angel, Marnie Lea.









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