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You Are Not The One, Not My Darling

You were never one for messes
and I guess
I was much too much of one
for you.
all your life
there was someone looking over your shoulder,
someone cleaning up after you.

The fair-faced boy.
The athlete.
The tall one towering over the rest.
The brother whose kindly sister
felt compelled to compete with you
though she could never best the best.
Because Mothers have their favorites.
And you were forever your Mother's most beloved son.
You were the bright light in her big blue-eyed sky shining.
Her proudest Aryan one.

This wasn't your or quite her failing,
though I found it made things, at times, quite odd.
You lived your life through others well-deserved praises,
believing failure in anyone else made them frauds.

There've been times when I've wondered...
How could I have ended up
with someone like you?
We were too different.
Different as the definition of the word.
I was changeable, you were predictable
to the absurd.
We had...
feminine passion and male indifference.
you were adoring,
but only at first
then you showed me your worst...
When life didn't proceed
the way that the lives of all gallant Gods should go...
you made the first of a series of pushes and shoves.
Perhaps, you were becoming the average guy
you didn't want me to know?

Soon after...
Your interest and diplomacy waned.
Was it ever a full moon with you?
Or a new crescent again and again?
Distance both imagined and literal,
you kept me at bay.
Too busy, too self-important
to let me know
you didn't wish to stay.

Wasn't that the best thing about you?
Always being so true to yourself?
Then doing what was foremost in your own self-interest...
hiding a calculated character,
but with never an accounting of yourself?
Was I your idiot?
Cow-towing to the myth of you?
forever tip-toeing around the facts:
forgetting that
polar opposites should never ever attract?

You told me how,
in the beginning,
you'd tried to catch my eye.
I'd ignored you.
Laughed and looked the other way.
And yet you gave me another try.
You didn't immediately cash in on your face value
until a much later day...
when once again you asked me to dance...
as I chanced to glance your way.
I peered into the shadow of your sideways crooked smile.
The one with the trap door,
thinking maybe in that shadow I'd find
a thread, a mystery, a little romance.

But there was no lasting reflection
I found there,
in the mirror of your fleeting smile.
It certainly didn't find myself or a future.
But we were gaga for each other
as long as the winds blew fair
and I stayed sweet the whole while.

You were so good with numbers in college,
with your financial degree.
I wonder what kind of satisfaction quotient you'd give
our me or  our experience, or if you still think about me?
And....I'd like you to leave me alone.
Especially at night.
When you come through the window into my dreams and behave exactly the way
I always hoped you'd might....
the way I once dreamed when I was not asleep.
No, you are not the one, not my darling.
You are not ever the one for me.

I recall...
You were so keen on appearances
and when I ceased to be
your fine spangled string bean girl
you had no time or use for me?

Who wants to be an accessory?
To dangle on the arm of D?
You are not the one, not my darling.
I have chosen someone else.
And...He, unlike you, has chosen me.

It feels so good to be chosen,
to be wanted, to feel free
to be loved without alterations.
To be given...
three gifts, you,
D, never gave
and could never
give to me.

Copyright  December 28 2011 All Rights Reserved by the Author
Melissa A Howells   Meloo of Tilt-a-World

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You Are Not The One, Not My Darling




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