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 First Without You
I know they say
That time heals
All things…
And I have experienced
Such…

But my first Christmas
Without you
Or your family
Slayed me.

To find the
Tag in a bag
Of cookies
To your son
From your sister
With whom
I stayed in the hospital
When she had cancer…
Hurt beyond words
The two people
I really miss
Who had nothing
To do with whether
Or not we slept
Together…
I lost people
I loved
More than
Just you.

Those years
Of being grateful
That I would
Have a family…
Feels like all you
Did the whole time
Was lie to me…
Every I love you
Was a lie.
You lied as much
As my ex wife
Did…
Because you both
Lied to yourself
First.

I saw the Lego's
In the closet
That day…
And said nothing
And now know
All those little
Presents you
Bought in advance
Will go somewhere
Else…

This poem isn't for
Anyone else
But me
And my own
Therapy.

I want to stop
Hurting…
I want to stop
Missing you.
I want to stop
Missing mom's
Augratin potatoes
At Thanksgiving…

I missed waking up
After sneaking
Presents into
The stockings
To see what
Everyone got
Because everyone
Was Santa
On Christmas morning.
There was no helping
Your son buy
Presents to surprise
You.
There were no
Kisses,
And foots
Touching under the
Table.

I hate that
You lead me
To believe
That I was more
Than just a lover
But a part
Of your family.

I hate that
I was stupid enough
To believe
The lies
We were both
Telling ourselves.

I wish that
It won't take
Several years
Passing before
It hurts less…

Time heals all things
But not enough
Has passed
For this first
Birthday
Christmas
New Years
Anniversary
To hurt like hell,
Because I love you…
Just because you
Stopped
Didn't mean I did.

Just so we're clear
Now that you've
Squandered my heart
Doesn't mean
If you leave him
You can have my heart
Back.


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