Climb the highest mountain, punch the face of god

I'm sorry this makes me out to be a coward

I pushed the buttons,
I was the coward
Who ran with scissors
And look what happened?
Though sadness leaked from
Bloody veins, I cried and wept
For the people I could not
Help when I took the jump.
Their faces full of agony as
My heart beat black blood till empty.
Though I stuck it out because
They all swore it would get better,
I'd cry continuously because it all
Felt like lies and the torment that
Was destroying my mind grew larger
Day after day until I could stand it no more.
Forever will I be chastised for the
Horrible decision I made, trust it was
Made with a clear head.
The horror of dealing with the rape,
And the exhaustion of dealing with the
Rapid firing mood swings has killed
What little motivation for living I had.
I yearn to sleep forever,
Watching over those who matter.
Though I make the decision with tears in my eyes,
I feel that maybe I can rest finally,
For I'm exhausted thinking of
Different ways to avoid my mutilated memory
And how it attacks me when I least expect it.
Every day is a new set of triggers that
Rage my PTSD and I get sick
Off of the pills they give me to quell
The monster burning within.
I think of how I could have been,
If my innocence hadn't been ripped from me,
But all I have is the me and the now,
Two beings that cannot exist without bloodshed.
I can offer apologies all I want,
But a cool pillow to rest my head is what I desire.

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I`m sorry this makes me out to be a coward

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