once upon a time - THE CLINIC

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'Come on down to my place' says Essie

Sure I’ll sort out all your problems for ye.

Clinic starts at nine o clock make sure you're not late.

In comes Sharon looking bemused
Behind her strolls Cleo head held high and looking amused.

What’s this clinic about? asks Sharon
It’s a head clinic says Essie.
Just tell me your problems. I’ll sort them out.

But you’re not qualified says Cleo
I know that, but I’ve been counseling you lot for half of me life.
I would curse here but that’s not nice.
Ach feck it I will curse

I’ll just say, sit down and shut up till I tell you to speak

Now you Sharon, speak, before I throw you out.

Well it’s like this. Like what, speak up. Hold your head up.

Oh God Sharon cries. Me head's up me arse
Your head says Cleo, what about me?
My head's so melted I’m having a heart attack.

My ailments are terrible cries both of the eejits
Ach says Essie I don’t know about your arse Sharon or your head Cleo
But I've listened to both of ye. Now feck off
I need someone to counsel me. I’m going up to Belfast
I needt to see the man, who put the sign on the door,

The one that both of you head melters ignore,

it says

[Oh no not you again]

Now sitting here talking to John and him writing this poem

Sure I can’t stop thinking of you’se pair f eejits
I love so much’.

Commissioned by Essie of Castleblaney.

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