~The Journey~ Book3 Title Poem
Living without my Child
This is a journey from beginning to the present time, 15 years later in my case,
of the road traveled when a child is lost.
Some are just beginning that journey today. Or maybe tomorrow.
Maybe some time soon, for reasons we may never know in some cases.
In other cases, the childs own parent is the predator, in other cases some sick evil monster is the predator.
But in all cases suffering of those left behind will begin.
As this journey starts a child is missing
(I am going to include children who die of abuse by parents too, as there was someone who cared about that child, but didn't have the balls to do anything about it)
People search, hoping against all odds, the child is safe
Sometimes, as in my case, they are found soon
Sometimes, they are never found
Sometimes the predator is never found
allowed to do it over, and over again, as in my case.
someone knows, someone always knows who they are
Okay, the child is found
Now the Journey really begins
Your heart shatters into trillions of pieces
You can't breathe
Your chest and head feel like they are gonna explode
You want someone, anyone to tell you it is a sick joke
It isn't true
The anguish, the pain, the millions of questions won't stop!
People are telling you there are arrangements to make
No one is making me do that!
There is some mistake
But it isn't a mistake,
You go into that room
That room holding that coffin
That coffin holding your child
You can't go look
If you do, then it won't be a mistake anymore
He won't hug you, or talk to you
The next day, they close the lid
I am going to vomit
Then to the cemetary
where that child will be forever
I can't do this!
But you do
Now the days and nights run together
every car makes you look to see if he is home
I am so sick of all these people
Why won't they go away
I lose it, big time lose it!
How dare they laugh!
How dare they talk about him
How dare they say his name!
I run hard
I run fast
going away from it all
if I sleep,
I am tortured by what his last minutes were
If I don't, I wait,
till finally the day comes
when I know
He isn't ever coming back
The first 2 years for me were the worse
looking, never leaving a rock unturned
I sat on the mountain,
with my rifle with a scope,
I didn't sleep for days at a time
the pain in my heart never stopped
will never stop
I turned into a monster
Seeking, the truth
No one will stop me
The hate I have is overpowering
It is engulfing me
I want to kill
Days turn into weeks months years
You know at some point
Your child isn't coming home
the denial is finally gone
Everyone deals with it differently
from that point
Some it drives insane
Some act like nothing happened
Some go on with the pain
Like the mother of the soldier killed in Iraq
Her son killed, it killed her
They rode together in the funeral
I chose to keep my sons spirit alive
I chose to keep other childrens spirits alive
Never will they be forgotten
Not as long as I can write and someone reads
I light candles on my wall
to light the way home
I am wrong
and it is only a very long horrible nightmare
Denial is still there
Acceptance is not
may never be
Every single day I cry for my child
for other peoples children
Every single day I remember
Every single day I hate
Every single day my heart hurts
Every single day I wonder
if I will die will I see Him again
Some days I think I will and that is true
Other days I doubt
Those days are the worst
Every day pictures flash in front of my eyes
Of the last moments in the life of a child
By some sick, depraved, rabid piece of s**t called human,
He's not human
He doesn't deserve to be called that
He is a child molester
He is a Murderer of children
He is the Devils pawn
It's soon to be 15 yeasrs since that day
I have cried every single one of them
I have felt my heart breaking a little more every single one of them
I have hated every single one of them
People keeps saying I have to forgive!
For taking my childs life?
I will not forgive,
I am in Hell on earth
And the Journey goes on
Always the same
Always the pain
For a Child lost.
My child lost.
Joey is never coming home.