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 FROM THE DARKNESS TO THE LIGHT

The Journey~ Life Without My Child



~The Journey~ Book3 Title Poem
 Living without my Child


 
 ~The Journey~
This is a journey from beginning to the present time, 15 years later in my case,
 of the road traveled when a child is lost.
 Some are just beginning that journey today. Or maybe tomorrow.
 Maybe some time soon, for reasons we may never know in some cases.
 In other cases, the childs own parent is the predator, in other cases some sick evil monster is the predator.
 But in all cases suffering of those left behind will begin.
 As this journey starts a child is missing
 (I am going to include children who die of abuse by parents too, as there was someone who cared about that child, but didn't have the balls to do anything about it)
 People search, hoping against all odds, the child is safe
 Sometimes, as in my case, they are found soon
 Sometimes, they are never found
 Sometimes the predator is never found
 allowed to do it over, and over again, as in my case.
BUT
someone knows, someone always knows who they are
Okay, the child is found
Bruised
Battered
Broken
Molested
 Dead
 
Now the Journey really begins
Your heart shatters into trillions of pieces
You can't breathe
Your chest and head feel like they are gonna explode
You want someone, anyone to tell you it is a sick joke
It isn't true
The anguish, the pain, the millions of questions won't stop!
 People are telling you there are arrangements to make
 Oh no!
 No one is making me do that!
 I won't!
 There is some mistake
 But it isn't a mistake,
 Is it?
You go into that room
 That room holding that coffin
 That coffin holding your child
 You can't go look
 If you do, then it won't be a mistake anymore
 He won't hug you, or talk to you
 The next day, they close the lid
 So final
I am going to vomit
 
 Then to the cemetary
 where that child will be forever
  I can't do this!
But you do
 
Now the days and nights run together  
Waiting
 Every noise,
 every car makes you look to see if he is home
 
 I am so sick of all these people
 Why won't they go away
 I lose it, big time lose it!
 How dare they laugh!
 How dare they talk about him
 How dare they say his name!
 
 I run,
I run hard
I run fast
going away from it all
 
 if I sleep,
 I am tortured by what his last minutes were
 If I don't, I wait,
 till finally the day comes
 
 when I know
 
 He isn't ever coming back
 
 The first 2 years for me were the worse
 I hunted,
looking, never leaving a rock unturned
 I sat on the mountain,
 with my rifle with a scope,
 watching people
 I didn't sleep for days at a time
 The nightmares,
 the pain in my heart never stopped
will never stop
 
 I turned into a monster
 Seeking, the truth
 No one will stop me
 No one!
 
 The hate I have is overpowering
 It is engulfing me
 I want to kill
 
 Days turn into weeks months years
 You know at some point
 Your child isn't coming home
 Ever,
 the denial is finally gone
 
 Everyone deals with it differently
 from that point
 Some it drives insane
 Some act like nothing happened
Some go on with the pain
 Some die
 Like the mother of the soldier killed in Iraq
Her son killed, it killed her
 They rode together in the funeral
 I chose to keep my sons spirit alive
 I chose to keep other childrens spirits alive
 Never will they be forgotten
 Not as long as I can write and someone reads
 Never
 
I light candles on my wall
 to light the way home
 just incase
 I am wrong
 and it is only a very long horrible nightmare
Denial is still there
Acceptance is not
may never be
 
 Every single day I cry for my child
 for other peoples children
 Every single day I remember
 Every single day I hate
 Every single day my heart hurts
 Every single day I wonder
 if I will die will I see Him again
 
 Some days I think I will and that is true
 Other days I doubt
 Those days are the worst
 Every day pictures flash in front of my eyes
 Of the last moments in the life of a child
 Murdered
 By some sick, depraved, rabid piece of s**t called human,
He's not human
 He doesn't deserve to be called that
 He is a child molester
 He is a Murderer of children
He is the Devils pawn
 It's soon to be 15 yeasrs since that day
 I have cried every single one of them
 I have felt my heart breaking a little more every single one of them
I have hated every single one of them
 
People keeps saying I have to forgive!
Forgive? Forgive!
For taking my childs life?
 
 
 I will not forgive,
 EVER
 I am in Hell on earth
 And the Journey goes on
 Always the same
 Always the pain
 For a Child lost.
 My child lost.
Joey is never coming home.
 
Lynne©3/05








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