A Synthetic Soul

Vicious Circle

I don't know if this will mean that much to you
or if you even care,
but this is something I have to tell you
and it's not easy for me to do.

I owe you an apology
for all the ways I've let you down.
It's hard for me to be here in this manner
that I am.
But I promise you this one thing.
I'm doing the best that I can.

And sometimes it just doesn't seem
like that could ever be enough,
to repay you for the way you've always
treated me so very well.
Even when I didn't deserve it
and I don't believe I do even now.

I hope you won't forgive me,
like you have so many times before.
I just want to thank you for your compassion
but it's become more than I can bare.
I could not have made it this far
if you had not been there for me.

And that's something,
I come to count on.
But I can't do this anymore.
Everything that I've told you
I spoke it from the heart.

But my hearts made me a liar.
It made promises to you that
that I could never keep.
And I believed them all when I spoke them.
Yet time has proven that words are empty.

Sometimes, some things don't work out the way
we wish.
We can try and we can fight for these things
that we believe in.
We can try to live up to these promises
we all make.
But for me nothing ever happens to work out
in the same manner that I'd planed.

I don't know that you understand.
But if you did, that would be
just one more thing you're better at than me.

Because I don't know where things went wrong,
and I'm not sure exactly when
my good luck turned into bad.
All those around me have had to
reap the consequences of my actions.

I don't always have the answers
and I'm not always in control.
Things happen around me
that I cannot change
no matter how hard I try.

And it's killing me inside every time
I set myself up to fail.
It kills me every time I let you down.
Mistakes are something we all make.
Mine have come out to now define me
and this life I'm living.

It may hurt for you this hear this
but this much I can say.
I won't be letting you down again
and you're not going to be let down this time by me.
Because you won't see me knocking at your door.
And if by chance you happen to find yourself
looking around or out for me.

I'll be some where you will not want to follow.
Our experience together might have cost you.
But sometimes it's best to just cut your losses.
So I guess I'm now just trying to thank you,
for having as much faith as it takes to place a little in me.

I hope you have a beautiful life and you live it happily.
May you pour your kindness out on some other poor soul,
that wont lead you around in circles.
I pray that every day
is not another tragedy in action.
Perhaps your next love won't be an accident waiting to happen
like me.

May you shape their life as you have mine.
There might be a thousand miles between us.
But I will always keep the memory of your kindness
for as long as my heart still has the will to beat.

This is something that I must do to save you
I must save you from this horror that's me.
I have lived a horrible life. Filled with good times and filled with bad.
But I just don't think that this world was ever meant for me.

Some things are only beautiful because of their fragility.
I shattered long ago if my memory serves me well.
I think you were the only one who did not notice
but now it's time to stop picking up the glass.

Soon it will be like you can see clear through me.
Because I will have disappeared.
And years from now if you find yourself sitting there
with me running through your mind.
Remember me most of all for all my good intentions.
Let that be my life's legacy.
I surely had a few of those in my glory days.

Maybe time will do me one more favor
and let me fade from your mind and memory.
Forgetting the ways that I faltered
not recalling all the things you once done for me.
May God bless you, and everything you touch,
may it succeed.

Life leaves me with more questions than it answers.
It's been a while since I've last had an epiphany.
Just know that I'm out there searching
for something I've not been able to find.

Peace of mind and a plug that fits this hole in my heart.
If I find these things, it will surely be the last day of
my old life. And of the new it will surely be the first.
Just like a vicious circle, it must seem that we have
been here in this place once before.

I've always been a dreamer.
You know this of me, to be true.
So I'll leave you with this eternal question.
Since I'm here to speak the truth.

What's a dreamer to do,
if given the power to make dreams come true?

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