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You feel your bladder is full and it wakes you.
You irritably think of the bag...is it full too?
You feel the odd plastic bladder with a sigh…
You swing your legs over the bed and get up.
You drag the drainage appliance tagged to your ass cheek along,
being sure not to trip over the damn thing in the dark.
You shuffle to the bathroom to empty the bag, to take a piss…

So now its back to bed.
You stumble through the house back to your bed…
You lie there thinking...you open the window and let in the cold December air.
You inhale it for a moment before sneaking a cigarette out of the hidden pack in your bookcase.
You light your little candle...the one with a silver lid, which serves as the perfect ashtray.
You put the cigarette between your lips, enjoying the very shape of it there.
You strike the lighter in the semi darkness.

The first inhale is divine, like a soft silk scarf down your throat.
You close your eyes thinking of the smoke traveling into your lungs.
You imagine the little follicles the doctors described to you...laying back down...giving up.
You take another drag anyway, trying to enjoy it, remembering your first one.
You bought two packs that day, paid about a dollar for both, menthol and regulars.
You wanted to be sure of which kind you liked best.
You practiced in front of the bathroom mirror till you felt you looked natural and nonchalant.
You finish your smoke with some sense of guilt, as if you cheated someone.
You crush it out into the lid of your scented candle which burns…
brightly and aromatically beside your bedside,
next to your pill bag and nicotine inhaler device,
which is your camouflage.

You think you're smart,stupid, or perhaps insane as you get up and empty the lid into the trash.
The candle flickers and you get back in bed, shut the window and snuggle into your blankets,
You try to get comfortable again...careful, of the bellows drainage device you arrange your body.
You turn your pillow over, give it a good solid punch and feel the tears well up as you cry silently.

And then you sleep.

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