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 WHY AM I ALIVE?
Feel so unloved
I have lost so much
My health is bad
I feel I'd be better off dead
Most of the time
I didn't take my antidepressants
Last night
Took this morning
But still upset
I cannot stand this life
I'm living
Where is my work
Where are my kids
Where is my life
It seems to be all gone
And I can't take it anymore
Of course, I'll hold out for a few minutes
Maybe it will get better
Maybe it won't
Life just seems to get worse and worse
And I can't take it
I have two dogs
A neighbor of my brother's complains about one
She wants me to get rid of my boxer pup
Who's like a son to me
Or for my brother to put up a
Block-long area of fence to keep
My pup from going to
Her fence and staring at her
And her two pit bull mixes
To do that
My brother wants me to sell
My electric classical guitar
I've only had for 2 years
Which I love
To help pay for the fence
My new guitar
I know it's a material thing
It's hard to let go of
Just like my dogs
What do I do?

I called Art Seckman this morning
Looking for some empathy
But the phone got messed up
As I got stung by a wasp
I cannot take it
This pain inside
From losing everything
Now, people want me to lose more
I feel I have no family
I feel I have no one who loves me
I feel like God has abandoned me
And I have no place to go
I don't want to keep living like this
I need an operation on my
Right shoulder
Who's going to take care of me
If I do that?
One non-dominate arm
Can't do much
For six weeks or more
I am not on enough medicine
For my depression
Thank God I go back to the doctor
Monday
Is all I can say
Maybe he will increase these nut pills
Why am I alive?
What good do I do for society?
For my kids?
For my animals?
For anyone?

I wish I knew
Maybe then
I would have a reason to keep living
Forgive me for my awful feelings
If I don't write about them
My fingers might go to something worse
Like being used to end it
I really don't want to die
I just don't want to cry anymore
It's too much having a sore face
It's disgrace to post these
Poems full of sorrow
I guess
If it's bad today
It could get better tomorrow
So I hold on
I hold on
I hold on
When I think I'd be so much better
GONE!


8/21/2014 1330 cj



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