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 I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANT TO CRY
My neighbor is the Mayor of this town
His wife has been my friend on FACEBOOK
For years
Not leaving me
When I became homeless
Not judging me
When I act 16 instead of old
Maybe they know I am sick and afraid
I want to tell people what is wrong with me
What I am treated for by doctors
They say that's a part of old age
When your disabilities are talked about
My first disability is my back
That started in 1999
I kept working until 2013
As long as I could
I have no cushions between the bones
From my thoracic spine down to my tailbone
Bone on bone that keeps degenerating
I try to control the pain
Next came the depression from not
Being the Superwoman I once was
It kills me to be weak
I hate it
But have to live with it
So I do
Then the gastroesophagel reflex disease
I found out in Washington is from
A hiatus hernia I've probably had for decades
Another nurse disease I developed from lifting
Patients up to 300 pounds by myself
As there was seldom enough help at the nursing home
I worked at for 12 years of my career
Obama's health care helped me so much
Without it I wouldn't know so many things
I learned I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder
As well as Post Tramatic Stress Disorder too
Which leaves me fearful of just being myself
Like now
With tangles in my long hair
I feel too ugly to go outside
Always worried I am going to offend someone
With my late nights, my music, my dogs, my poverty
How I look doesn't really matter
Except to me
As I used to be such a perfectionist
In uniform
All accesessories matching
Hair up and pretty
Makeup on
Smelling like a rose in Spring
The rose takes aspirin and Lovastatin now
To keep the hardening of the arteries from killing it
Arthritis
Depression
G.A.D.
P.T.S.D.
G.E.R.D.
Hiatus Hernia
Crohn's Disease
Right shoulder replacement
Hyperlipidemia
The right breast biopsy to remove
The possible cancer I had
Cystocele and Rectocele
Sometimes my right anterior thigh crease
Locks up on me from an old bicycle injury
Then my hip won't flex and I cannot walk
When you look at me
I look healthy
But people don't know the medicines I have to take
To keep going
Forgive me for being old
Forgive me for wanting to be young again
My life is in the Lord's hands
I pray constantly for him to show me the way
I have dogs to care for
And now three stray cats
As "Blackie" has disappeared
I pray the wild animals haven't killed him or her
As that was the friendliest cat of the stray ones
There is still the beautiful Siamese cat
That I cannot believe someone abandoned
That cat should be in a good home with loving owners
Instead the poor thing lives under Brett Leeks abandoned house
Next door and lives because I feed it
Then there's this gray long-haired cat that looks
Worse for wear
I feel such empathy for the being
I am glad to buy cat food to keep them alive
Through the Winter
No being deserves to die because they were abandoned
I always feel sorry for the animals
Because it is humans fault they are on their own
Later came a calico cat that looks like was fed
But stays around here eating
All these cats are slightly afraid of me
But come anyway because they are hungry
I will think of animals tonight instead of my health problems
Making me not want to cry anymore
It's the good way
To turn from self
And put anothers shoes on
Even if
Another is an animal
That doesn't wear shoes
I'll pretend I have paws
Walk in their feet
They are my patients for a time
Food is important
As a porch with blankets in boxes
Where they won't freeze to death
My neighbors are good people to love cats
As some people in this town will kill them
Beat them, poison them and it makes me sick
How can a person kill a domestic animal
Unless in mercy
But people do
There's evil in this world
I'm glad my neighbors have patience with me
Even though I am poor and sick
I can still help someone
Even if
It's just stray cats
Thank you, God, for the patients with fur
Glad I'm here to help
Him or her
Thank you, Lord, for the less fortunate
Helping them
Helps me
God Bless them.


1/31/2016 1946PST cj



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