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As I get older
I need to talk about rape
Tried to block it out of my mind
For decades
But it started haunting my dreams
At midlife
He raped me quite often
Because I've heard
If you don't want it
But it's easier to
Just let them take it
It's rape...
Never thought of it that way
Just thought of it as the easy
Way out
Turn your back
And soon it will be over
As the Victorian's said
"Think of England"
Until it became violent
As he stood there with an erection
Putting his fist through a window
Because I said "no"
Then I thought that was
Now I think that
Is still horrible
Decades pass
Others confess they were raped
By the same man
Birth family
Any girlfriend
I ever attempted to have
I hate this rapist
I wish he was dead
In a hell
Where he is made to perform
The vile things he made others do
On Satan himself
Over and over for eternity
I know I am a sinner
And it is said I must pray for this enemy
But it eats at me
When I find out things that happened
Thirty-five years ago
Are brought into the light
Now one of my sons
Says some things are better left unsaid
I do not believe that
Because what I don't say
Eats at my insides
Like a cancer
People who
Let it go
Are better off physically and mentally
Than those who hold the pain in
Holding in being raped
Invades a person dreams eventually
Or gives them high blood pressure
Leads to too much of a good thing
Be it drink or drugs or food or porn
And a person does not know why
Until others perhaps talk about it too
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Is what being raped has done to me
I will never understand why
Masturbation is not enough
Abuse your frickin' self
Not someone else
When the blood flows to below
However, rape is not suppose to be about sex
Only power over another person because the
Raper has no power in his life
Except the control the masters have over those weaker than him
Women and children and animals
Lord forgive me for being open about something
That terrifies my sleep and leaves me better off dead
When past reality slaps me in the face
As is said
"The past will come back to haunt you"
Raper that took my young life from
Twenty-two to Thirty
I so hate you
The hate eats me alive
I have to let it go
I have to let it go
There is nothing good about you at all
In my eyes
Your sons have your name
And I thank God they do not have your
Sadistic Personality Disorder
As far I as can see in any of them
You are Satan in human form to me
I am not God
But if I were God
I would send an Oklahoma lightening bolt
Down upon your middle digit today
To fry your private parts
Slowly and painfully
As the slow torture you bestowed upon others
In your sick and sorry lifetime
I would not trust you with any of my children
Or grandchildren
Because you are a rapist
You will always be a rapist
You are a deadbeat dad
You will always be a deadbeat dad
When I hear one of my grandsons sits on your lap
It makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl
Wondering what kind of sick pleasure
You could be getting out of that
I hate you
You are my enemy
You have been my enemy since I met you
Just after I turned twenty-two
It just took me decades to realize
What kind of enemy you were
A sadistic kind of enemy
Thank God for leading me to nursing school
You meet all the criteria for a sadist
Send me to prayer, God
Thank you, Lord, for taking this person
A half a country away from me
I could break a commandment with my anger
For this rapist
Justice comes around
As God gave me the strength in this old age
To remember
To communicate
To let it go
Before I go
The web of life
Vibrates back
In triplicate
Let this poem
Let the hate go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
As my great niece sings
Going down the road
What I think
Has to melt
Or what I touch will freeze
My hate of the rapist.

7/2/2016 0158PST cj

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