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“The Audition”
It happened again
whenever time is at a premium
it’s like she is taunting
the L.A. freeway system
and it doesn’t like to be teased
today it’s the 101
that’s decided to
screw with her.
She has an 11:30am casting call
or more a properly termed
cattle call
twenty girls at least
trying to go from
disenchanted waitress
to newly discovered starlet
the part,
a less than 20-second seven word spot
in the soon to be filming
Baywatch 2
she’s wearing a bikini
under her shorts and tank top
besides having to read
in a small West Hollywood office
while standing their
in the kind of bikini
that lets them know
your in the room
it’s at 11:30am
right before lunch
the middle of the
so called Death Hour,
it seems that nobody
at a casting agency
is ever in a good mood
right before lunch
which translates in to
no call backs for a second reading.
She can tell she has
some time to kill
once people start getting
out of their cars
so they can stand up and see
just that little bit farther down the road
that’s when you know you’re screwed.
She drives a hoopty
a beater car with no A/C
so without the breeze
from the incoming air
it is unbearably hot
she can feel the sweat
rising up from her pores
pushing out against her clothes
as if they were impeding
the progress of her body’s
cool down process
she puts the car into park
traffic only moving a foot a minute
at this moment in time
as she reaches under her tank top
and unties her bikini top
a horn honks behind her
as traffic takes a ten foot jump
she pulls out her bikini top
hangs it from her rearview mirror
just so she won’t forget it
as a male voice behind her
shouts out,
“Hey Honey”
“Sorry About the Horn”
“You Take All the Time you want”
in a long drawn out voice
she smiles into the rearview
puts the car in drive
and lurches forward
right before a mini van
can steal her 10-feet
of open territory.
Her light tank top starts to
soak-up her sweat
from her now
freely flowing pores
causing it to cling to
her breasts in a way
that does not go unnoticed
by a jeep full of UCLA jocks
two lanes to her right,
fortunately her lane moves up
three car lengths
which puts a damper on
the UCLA cat calls
at least for the moment,
she stops in the shade
of an 18-wheeler
she thinks about her one line,
she has recited it a 100-times
in front of her full length mirror
naked
she figures if she can do it
relaxed while naked
it will be cake in her bikini
where they will be judging
every inch of her body
along with her presentation
most making up their mind
about her
before she speaks a single word.
The 18-wheeler pulls up
allowing the sun to remind her
just how brutal those reflective
grey-top freeways can be
without working air conditioning.
The lane to her left
starts moving slowly ahead
each car hugging the bumper
of the car in front of it
not wanting to give up
that sacred car length
that just might be the one
that gets them out of this mess
she turns on her left blinker
after five cars pass
and try and pretend
that they don’t see it
she leans way out
of her driver’s door window
knowing full well she is showing
a lot more than a look of distress
trying to get someone
to let her merge over,
the next car hits its brakes hard
flashes its lights
and waves to her to cut in
she yells out “Thanks”
and holds her hand out
the window making a peace sign
she looks in her rear view
at the guy that let her in
he’s giving her smiles
his wife is giving her a look
like she just slept with him,
her lane now
is the only one moving
time is tight
but she figures she has to
let at least three cars
cut in front of her
a sort of cosmic payback
for having been given
cuts herself
so three it would be
but there were no
hard and fast rules in karma
about which three cars she picked
the next vehicle trying to escape
the static cling that the first
three lanes seemed to be
suffering from was a camper
pulling a sand rail behind it,
now this could go
one of two ways
campers are slow
and she didn’t want
to be behind something
that everyone else is
cutting in front of
and she had a timeline
that was starting to evaporate
but it was pulling
a high speed dune buggy
which might off set
the camper issue being
that she could count that
as two vehicles,
too big a gamble she decides
better to go with the red BMW
being driven by a 30-something
woman who also looks in a hurry
one down,
she quickly scans the upcoming cars
trying to put karma
in her rear view mirror
by letting in two more cars
so she too can then blindly pretend
not to notice the less fortunate ones
that aren’t lucky enough
to be in the one lane of traffic
that’s moving,
slowly,
but moving.
Her next choice was easy
it was a motorcycle
a 1987 Honda Hurricane 1000-cc
crotch rocket built for speed
she knew this cause
her ex-boyfriend use
to have one,
she misses those long rides
arms wrapped tightly around him
as they sped along the coast,
though one could argue
she didn’t really give
the motorcycle the spot
he took it,
after driving between cars
in the number 3 and 4 lanes
he shot out in front of her,
but she did tap on the brakes
for him so she
considered him number 2.
Traffic slowed and she could see
an old station wagon
filled with kids,
all the windows down
a definite NO as far as cuts go,
but as she got closer
she didn’t slow down
when she got to them
she actually stopped,
on the only flowing vein
of the 101 freeway
and waited
as a woman who looked
like life had been
nothing more than a constant
uphill battle to survive
mouthed the words
“Thanks” to her
and a 1973 station wagon
that couldn’t have had more
than a few hundred miles
of life left in it
pulled out in front of her
rear bumper
tied on with rope
and in the back cargo area
of the station wagon
two boys
each sucking on a juice box
wave to her
she waves back
as the station wagon pulls away
and the 101 is again moving.
She takes her finger
and wipes the sweat
on her forehead with it
then puts her finger to her lips
to taste the salt
a habit she’s had forever
but never could remember where
she picked it up from
her lane starts picking up speed
as the other lanes also
begin to move
after another mile traffic is back
to its normal speed
and again she never
finds out the reason for the
cause of the traffic stoppage
so typical of L.A. freeways.
She starts moving from the fast lane
towards the first lane
the Highland 9C exit is coming up
and she likes to be in the exit lane
long before her exit
sacrificing speed for position
she goes a few more miles
before getting off on Highland Ave
and leaving the 101 behind her
she’s only about 5-10 minutes out now
more than enough time
to put herself in the right
frame of mind and find parking.
She has read at this office before
knows her way around
Hollywood quite well
pulls into a small parking lot
slides her hoopty between a
Porsche and a Jag
leaves all her windows down
and has to slam the driver’s side
door hard to get it to stay closed
she starts reciting her line
all seven words of it
over and over
as she walks up to the office
she sees a few girls leaving
as she pulls open
the big glass doors
all of them look stunning
undoubtedly having already read
their 7 word line
probably in a hurry
to get back to work
for the lunch rush at
some local “TGIF” restaurant.
Her timing for once was perfect
their were five other girls
in the front office as she
cruised in with an air
of confidence about her
three girls exit the inner office
as an assistant pokes her head
out of the office doors and
calls back to the casting agents
“Only two groups left before lunch”
they send the next three girls in,
her and the remaining two girls
each one trying to find their
own personal zone as they wait
for the office doors to open.
The previous three girls exit
She and the other two are lead in
each being shown where to stand
the office A/C feeling like
it has been set to artic,
“Ok girls”
says one of the three casting agents
“Drop your shorts and shirts”
“And as I point to you”
“Step forward and say your line”
“One take only, so make it count”
all three girls start to
slip out of their clothes
adjust their bikinis
and wait for their cue
it’s right then that
she suddenly stops
pulling her shirt up
and over her head
as she realizes her bikini top
is still hanging from her
rearview mirror,
one of the agents
points to the first girl
she steps forward
“Sir, what would you like to drink?”
The agent shakes his head
“That’s not the line, it’s”
“What would you like to drink, sir?”
“Next”
as he starts to point to the second girl
“Wait” “Wait” “Wait”
“Please” says the first girl
“Just one more chance”
“Sorry kid” says the agent
“We didn’t give it to”
“The last 10-girls that asked”
“We can’t start by giving it to you”
The first girl starts to tremble a bit
but holds on to her smile
as she steps back in line
the agent points to the second girl
who steps forward
and says her line flawlessly
the two male agents
nodding their approval
but the lone female agent
points to her left shoulder
she has a small birthmark on it
all three agents nodded
girl number two
looking a little deflated
steps back in line
it’s her turn now
the agent looks at her queerly
“Your top” was all he said
she pulled off her shirt
and stood their
eyes looking straight ahead
her breast reacting to the cold air
“I left my top in the car”
she says meekly,
eyes still looking straight ahead
the agent,
didn’t even bat an eyelash
just pointed to her
she stepped forward
and in the most perfect
cadence and tone
“What would you like to drink, sir?”
rolled off her tongue
she continued to stand there,
the first agent remarked,
“Not bad”
“You can step back now”
The female agent throws in
“Well, we don’t have to ask”
“If she has any”
“Tattoos or birthmarks”
“Ok girls that will be all”
says the first agent,
she pulls on her tank top and shorts
getting a slight bit of warmth
from them
and heads for the doors
the number two girl
quickly catches up to her outside
“Hey”
“I just have to know” she says
“Was all that planned?”
Smiling and shaking her head no
She replies,
“You see that black Porsche”
“Parked over their?”
Pointing to the one
she had parked next to
“Yes” says girl number two
“Well that beat-up car”
“Parked next to it, is mine”
“You can see my bikini top”
“Hanging from the rearview from here”
“I could never have planned”
“Anything like that”
girl number two
just shakes her head in amazement
says “Good Luck”
and changes direction towards her car.
She has to really pull hard
on her driver’s side door
to get it to open
as she climbs in behind the wheel
she looks at the bikini top
and turns over the motor,
she had just turned on to Sunset Blvd
when her phone rang
“Can you come in at 1:00pm Thursday?’
says the voice on the phone
“Do I need to wear a bikini?” she asks
“That won’t be necessary”
“Just don’t be late”
and the caller hangs up.
She starts doing victory dances
in the front seat as she drives,
and when she gets to Highland Ave
she drives right past and
she shouts as loud as she can
“No More Freeways for Me Today!”
at the Highland Ave street marker
as she drives underneath it
the street sign takes no offense
and continues to remind people
they are coming up on Highland Ave,
she gets caught by a light
at La Cienega Boulevard
forcing her to stop her
in car dance routine,
and as she sits their
waiting for the light to change
she looks up at her bikini top
still hanging from her rearview
slightly moving side to side
due to the uneven idle
of her over worked engine
and she says,
“I think I’m going to”
“Have you framed”
She slips on a pair of
beat-up sunglasses
that had been sliding
back and forth across the top
of her dashboard all day long.
“I’m going to have to”
“Get use to wearing these”
“Once I get famous”
she says,
in a very matter of fact tone
as she looks over the top
of the dark frames
of her sunglasses.
The light turns green
and she takes a left
on to La Cienega Blvd
bringing the full weight
of the sun
through her front windshield,
she pushes back her sunglasses
her eyes now
looking through their scratched lens
as she starts down from
the top of La Cienega Blvd
towards her Inglewood home
she slips into a day dream
that starts with a seven word line
that keeps her blissfully entertained
till she pulls up at home
and parks between two cars
both looking far worse than hers
she has to slam her driver’s door twice
before it stays shut on its own
takes about three steps
before she spins around
sticks her arm through
her open car window
and grabs her bikini top…
Tom Allen…07-25-2017…