An Unspoken Truth

Boring I was and so they called me.
Hurling hurtful words in full sentences like the words being spoken had no meaning.
It was disturbing.
Writing meant more than speaking to my family.
Sometimes I felt like my life meant nothing
And somehow my life was created in vain.
It crushed a part of me and closed off the majority of me.
Lifeís transactions have made me hesitant to talk.
Sometimes I hate myself for not being the outspoken, intellectually opinionated
Woman everyone longs for me to be but me.
I suffer from the pain of constantly holding myself in and for some reason Iím still reluctant
to open up.
Sometimes, the feelings I hold inside are not actually my feelings
but the person beside me, feeling deeply in awe.
I walk alone and steadfast.
I hold onto my past pain and regret as a way of meaningfully moving onto the next object.
There the choices lie to do better and be present and surrender to my past and be its objective.
Most times I know what Iím getting myself into I just think
I can do it better than the last time.
My past smiles in my face every time as I leave the house, as a constant
Reminder that Iíve not yet evolved.
Speaking wasnít a thing for me until, I could properly articulate my words.
In the midst of it all I could see how broken I used to be, but
Gradually I find the strength to sort through the pieces and put myself back together.
Carefree in a way, I truly am, but only in a way
Most wonít understand.
I understand myself more and more as time goes by, but Iím still not above it all.
It matters more for me to learn myself than to help society understand
Just who I am.
I strive to get closer to God and I pray to live in his way, not always succeeding
But still proceeding.
Self-harm became a project and self-destruction became a mental object, when Satan would succeed
in getting his hands around my throat, I would mentally choke.
Between the emptiness and loneliness, I am only
A living being walking through life
Trying to find my destiny.
Invisible to most but self-aware to all.
I have so many magnificent qualities waiting to fall out of me, but with the right people I seek.
To the world it doesnít mean a thing because, this is what I asked for.

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An Unspoken Truth