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     “Without Her”
 
 
He had thought
of something funny
one of those
jokes
only she would
get
he leans over
his laughter
already spilling
out
as he starts
to tell her
his thought
he gets mid-way
into his sentence
before realizing
he was alone
on the couch
watching the movie,
not the first
time
this has happened
over the last
month
he keeps
remembering
all sorts of things
he can’t wait
to share with
her
but that was
before
and he’s
the one
who has to live
with after
the funny thought
he had
has lost it’s
appeal
he doubts
anyone but her
would have found
the humor in it,
he has been
living the last
four weeks
as if he had
lost a limb
he constantly
feels her there
standing right
beside him
he will ask
her
a question
and after a few
beats
and no answer
he’ll turn
to find
only the shadow
of her life
as if she
was
cut out
of his
and her outline
still remained
tagging along
besides him
to remind him
of the empty
hole
she left
in his life
not that he
needed
any help with
that
the sentences
he started
thinking she
would finish
the places he
would go to eat
cause she was
so picky
and a vegetarian
he’d find himself
walking towards
the door
of a place he
hates
before turning
back around
and just getting
a Tommy’s
chili cheese burger,
it wasn’t like
she left him
there was nothing
for him
to just get
over
she was taken
from him
though
his closest friends
would tell you
he just didn’t
know it yet.
She had left
her cell phone
still plugged in
to his charger
lying on the
little table
by the door
she had forgot it
when she headed
home
that night
their last night
together,
she had caught
him
looking through
her phone once
and exploded,
if he didn’t
trust her
then she would
walk
right now
she had no
room
in her life
for a relationship
without trust
he cried
as he promised
her
never to touch
her phone again
even refusing
to get it
from her car
during a wicked
winter storm
once
more payback
then pledge,
he smiles
at that thought
somedays
he can still
hear it
vibrating
on the little
table
from an incoming
call
not as often
as that first
week
not many people
call a dead girl’s
phone
on purpose
her billing cycle
should catch-up
to it soon
he wonders if
he’ll miss
that vibrating
sound
that had haunted
him
at first
but in a
strange way
it kept him
connected to her,
a tie
he’s pretty sure
most would say
he should cut
but he’s never
mentioned
her phone
to anyone
so he’s spared
their insightful
advice,
he turns off
the movie
pretends
he didn’t know
why
he got it
but he knew
she would have
loved it
he flips aimlessly
through the channels
unable to latch-on
to anything
that can hold
his concentration
for more than
a minute,
he looks over
at a bookcase
a picture of the
two of them
from a friends
wedding
sits on a
middle shelf
he remembers
that day
she stood in line
with all the ladies
for the throwing
of the bouquet
the bride
threw it high
bouncing off
two competing
bridesmaids
and landed
right in her
arms
as soon as
she realized
she was holding
it
she dropped it
to the floor
and started
walking away
backwards from
it
wagging her finger
at the bouquet
while saying
No, No, No
the whole room
erupted in laughter
he felt hurt
at the time
thinking
she didn’t want
him to be
her man,
she had let
him
pout
for a while
before giving him
a deep kiss
and whispering
in his ear
she’ll make it up
to him
later,
the picture
use to sit
next to the
television
but
he couldn’t go
30-minutes
before getting
lost
in her eyes
as they continuously
beckoned him
to her,
he gives up
surfing channels
clicks the movie
back on
and decides to
see it through
for better
or worse
and by the time
it’s ending
he finds himself
all teary eyed
she would be
too
but laughing at
him
for being such
a baby,
he turns off
the television
picks up her
picture
and takes a
closer look
then heads off
to bed,
he lies there
trying to think
of anything
but her
so he can
just fall asleep
and after awhile
when he starts
to slip into
that middle
state
on the verge
of sleep
and consciousness
he hears her
phone
vibrating
on the little
table
by the door
and his mind
just opens up
as it is flooded
with thoughts
of her
many of them
he had totally
forgotten
he had ever
even knew
it feels like
a shot of
adrenaline
as moments
and pictures
flash by
her voice
coming through
in perfect clarity,
he just lies
there
in the dark
swimming
in the waves
of thoughts
of her
that are crashing
on his heart
and after
what seemed
like a life time
condensed into
less than a
minute,
the phone
stops vibrating
the rush
starts to subside
as his thoughts
try and catch
their breath
then
the darkened
silence
is broken
as he says
out loud
“Yea”
“I think I am”
“Going to miss it”
“Maybe I can”
“Just pay the bill”
and as he
lies there
pondering
that thought
once again
her phone
starts to
vibrate
on the little
table
by the door
he just
closes his
eyes
and thinks
of her…
 
     Tom Allen…10-22-2017…