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     “Not His Own”
 
He knew
she didn’t want
him
had no desire
to move past
friendly conversion
towards anything
more,
he could read
her polite attempts
at telling him
this
without having
to be
so blunt
she would tear
his paper heart
he understood
attraction
it wasn’t something
he could make
her
have for him
she couldn’t be
bought
a thought
that would have
never of occurred
to him
though he would
gladly give her
anything he had
without any
hesitation,
he wasn’t living
in
any kind of
illusion
that something
inside her
might change
and one day
she would see
him
in the same
light
as he saw
her
he couldn’t even
imagine fantasies
where
their casual talk
grew into even
a personal phone
call
and this was what
puzzled him
he could add up
the numbers
the math of
attraction
was not difficult
for him to
figure out
he had taken
careful notes
looking for any
kind of a signal
that he might
have a chance
with her
no matter
how small
but there weren’t
any
just her continued
friendliness
which she had
to work hard
on somedays
to maintain
with him
and which he
knew
he regularly
abused,
he knew at
times
her attention
towards him
was only charitable
she had a
soft spot
for his incurable
affliction
of the heart
she could see
him struggle
when he was
around her
how his eyes
widened
with just the
slightest glance
from her
in his direction
and he wondered
why
she took such
pity
on him
he added nothing
to her world
there were no
gains
to be had
for her
no profits
to be made
no relationships
to be acquired
and yet she
continued sharing
her time
handing out
smiles
dropping him
words
despite the potential
splash back
of their meanings
being misconstrued
as a type of
affection
why couldn’t he
do the right thing,
if he really
loved her
he would quit
stealing her kindness
drowning her
in undeserved guilt
making her explain
her actions
so his feelings
wouldn’t get hurt,
but he couldn’t
he hadn’t the
inner strength
to break out of
her orbit
or the backbone
of a common
man
to just let her
fade out of
his life,
his heart was
trapped under
glass
for everyone
around him
to see
as it is
jabbed
and poked
by the sharp
needle of
reality
as he tries
in vain
to live in
a dream
where he doesn’t
belong,
he knew all
this
she has been
his
unattainable
dream
for quite a
long time
now
but he couldn’t
just walk
away from
his dream
he would ask
you
what is a man
without a heart
and she still
commanded
his
so he stayed
close to
her
and learned to
live
on the edges
of his dream
getting by on
quick peeks
and distance
glances
a handful of
sentences
and the occasional
purposely created
smile
just for him,
ashamed at
the amount of
her light
that he siphons
off her spirit
on a daily basis
but so addicted
to her glow
he can’t help
but try and
be a part of
it
maybe next
week
he’ll grow into
the man
he always hoped
to be
love and appreciate
her
without all
the emotional
harassment
but as it stands
right now
he has
no choice
his heart
is not
his own…
 
     Tom Allen…11-02-2017…