Today is the day you will learn a lot, today I put myself on the spot. Cursed with anxiety since I was three, later compounded with PTSD. So what is that like is the question so often asked, usually I shrug my weakness masked. It might be quite naive but today I'm feeling brave and ready to pull up my sleeve.
Anxiety is feeling nervous for no reason, my mind begins reeling. I have to take in my surrounding, questions in my head resounding. I don't feel safe with out some I truly trust, it's feeling like everyone thinks your as useless as rust. It's trying to keep it together, feeling clammy like your under the weather. It's not being able to catch your breath, your heart pounding like thunder. It comes out of no where, for absolutely no reason, having to tell myself it'll only last a short season. Sometimes If someone I love is around they can hold me or just my hand, in minutes it goes away and the the only sound is my own breath, breathing once more. Other times I'm alone and it seems to last forever more .
If not gotten under control and often out of the blue, here comes an anxiety attack or two. It's feeling all of that we discussed before but actually there's even more. Just to add to my demise, suddenly I feel in danger, some nearby threat so scared it triggers anger. Now I'm an ass because I felt the need to defend myself, even though I'm so small the size of an elf. Did someone know what to do, is anyone around to help me rebound ? No, fantastic that means here comes round two.
Wait there's more, a wretched gift from PTSD that terrifies me to the core. Panic attacks are a vicious monster, it only comes when I'm too comfortable and finally relaxed. It's sudden and oh so intense, I won't keep you in suspense . It feels exactly like a heart attack , I just know I'm going to die. My throat tightens so much breath can't pass by. Plus everything else covered before, it's trembling and terrified and no way to hide. It's embarrassing if anyone saw what happened because it sheer terror you can see on the outside.