I'm a character in a soap
About a country village life:
Recently I've been turned
Into a mentally abused wife.
And those bloody scriptwriters
Just don't seem to know
Just when and where
To let my storyline to go.
I've just stabbed my husband
For threatening my son
So I guess my marriage
Is another storyline done,
And I'm sitting here thinking
About the events of the day
Wondering when and who
Will come to take me away.
I conceived my son by donor,
Which I didn't think too bad
Though for a few months it
Really upset my doting dad.
I've been an anorexic
But we got that beat;
They took me to a clinic
And showed me how to eat.
I lived with a gamekeeper,
A relationship not long begun
We were getting along fine until
He suicided by shotgun.
I'm a member of a good family
In this eponymously named soap
But I just wish they'd stop giving
The writers so much rope.
For so many many years
My life plodded quietly along
Until the producers decided
They'd had it all wrong
And now my quiet little village
Is a warren of sex and strife
And I've just been turned into
An abused murderous wife.
Oh this used to be
A quiet and pleasant soap
Until they gave our writers
Far too much rope.
Oh for those original
Idyllic village soap days
Of flower shows, Morris dancing
And other quiet rural ways.
