Where am I?

I was asked when I last saw myself....
All I remembered was getting in the van....
Becoming this shell of my former self...
I was sweet...
I tried to make up for those places I lacked by simply showing love...
I cared about myself....
I cared about everything....
But then I hatched the perfect plan....
Jumpstart my life....
Get on the road...
Get your finances together...
Become a better you...
What the old me never told myself was....
I would possibly forfeit the person I had strived so hard to be
The compassionate...
Cuddly...
Overthinking about if you like me enough to keep me
And praying that you would keep this flawed soul in your pocket...
I lost me when I went to damn fast.
I heard a lady say that she forgave her sons murderer
And I heard the sincerity in her voice when she told that
Young man and his family that she and her family forgave
Him and would like to visit him and help him turn himself around
So that he never have to walk the path he had walked before...
She apologized to to him!!!
Hereís the difference in the me(s)
New me:
He wouldíve never made it to court....
Old me:
Forgiveness is a hard road to walk but everyone deserves
Three things in life; forgiveness, love, and a friend.
Bless that young man and whatever tormented him to
Do what heís done. May he reflect and walk a higher path....

One of me sounds like Iím wounded....and the other sounds like Iím
Whole In my flaws and still striving for better.
Iíve been stuck in the defensive for well over a year now....
But it didnít hit me until I heard that lady speak and
The ignorance of my own voice
Speaking before I even know the situation
Quick to assume
Iíve been judgemental towards all those I actually care about
Itís no wonder Iím lonely
Or Iím having trouble connecting and staying connected
I took my own self out of pocket mentally and itís been
Hell trying to fill my own shoes....
Trying to feel my own thoughts...
Iíve been medicating and drinking....
Mostly to cope with the loss of myself...
It began the moment I had driven away from everything
Everyone I knew and had worked hard to build relationships with
I started to have an identity crisis...I had
Developed and essentially relied on who I was with people
To help get me through that crisis...
To be continued....



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Where am I?