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Behind The Humor

I apologize for my jokes, my thoughts, and my unwanted texts,
I was just trying to use humor, as I have always done in the past.
To hear your laugh, a giggle, or even know that I made you smile,
makes me feel better on the inside, even if just for a little while.
When I send you a quick text, and get your friendly LOL reply,
it is the highlight of my day and improves the remainder of my night.
I know you are trying to forget me, the opposite of what I desire,
trying to stay relevant in your heart, yearning to reignite our extinguished fire.
Too much love for you in my heart to let us simply die,
I would regret it forever if I did not at least continue to try.
Showing my true age, I considered a mix tape of love songs,
improbable now, who owns cassettes, or a recorder? ...that would take too long.
So, as I sat there listening, streaming both music and tears,
I started adding them to a playlist, Missing Her..., so that you could hear.
All these songs, the ones that keep you on my mind all day,
wanting to share with you, hoping they help convey what I am trying to say.
In my heart, a romantic gesture, to say how much I still care,
a playlist curated specifically for you; one you may never even play or hear.
So, as I put on my mask and send you playful, flirty texts,
I am just trying my best to avoid what I am afraid comes next.
That day when you can no longer hear my laugh, no longer see my smile,
the day when you do not think of me, not even once in a while.
One day, when you can no longer remember the feel of my touch on your skin,
will this hurt you like it hurts me; will you wish for that feeling again?
If one day you wake and can no longer recall the look in my eyes,
how I looked at you so lovingly, will you be surprised?
Should you one day realize the sound of my voice is no longer there,
would it bother you at all, would you call so my voice you could once again here?
If you lived in a world with no more reminders to see,
would you cling to those memories, holding on to the last of me?
These thoughts cut me deeply, and so I try to minimize the pain,
regularly using humor to try and protect myself from the falling rain.
Thinking if I can get you to smile, laugh, and miss what we had,
maybe it would trigger some of those old feelings, and maybe they would come back.
At the very least, you may remember why you originally loved me so,
a feeling that I remember each day, and I do not want to let go.
But, as I sent you playful texts, you responses slowed,
with less and less to say, and then, essentially ignored.
Previously an 'I miss you too', and days before a texted kiss,
messages I misinterpreted, causing me to act like this.
I thought, maybe she is reconsidering, it's crazy to just walk away,
almost fourteen years together, maybe she was missing me extra that day.
Maybe she will text me and ask if we an talk,
we could discuss the issues, and what it is that we both want.
I promised her I would do anything, and that is not a lie,
now all I ask of her, is to please give me the chance to try.

Original Work by: Shawn A.

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Behind The Humor