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The Mental Fustercluck

It was a draining Saturday afternoon, one that I would soon like to forget,
woke to my typical, emotional morning mess; feeling lonely & filled with regret.
Regret that I did not make the right choices, regret that I lost my love,
regret that I can no longer gaze into her face each morning when I wake up.
But today I had some distractions, a few items to fill my day,
a conversation about the house we lived in, and whether I would stay.
Not worth the market value, and the asking price does not reflect the flaws,
but everyone wants to make as much as possible, a housing market with sharp claws.
So, a few options discussed, and more hopes dashed,
I'll just enjoy it while I can, another aspect of my life that won't last.
I try to think of a way to cover the expenses,
but I am dealing with so much right now, it just overloads my senses.
I do my best to be strong, and keep those emotions in check,
pushing them down, creating a tightening feeling in my back and neck.
I realize fairly quickly that our house will no longer be my home,
my future unwritten, my destination now unknown.
When we first split, I was not sure I would even want to stay here,
but it holds sentimental value, memories of us linger heavy in the air.
To leave this place, would be to lose a part of us,
departing would be like...abandoning the final resting place of our love.
The last place you still loved me, the place I received your affection,
the location of your touch, where my heart still held your attention.
An unfortunate truth that I am now having to face,
I can't afford to stay, and with this market, I cannot afford a new place.
A double edged sword that slices away at my flesh,
all the previous hope I held at one time, now there is nothing left.
With that conversation closed, I make myself a quick lunch,
trying to distract from my depression, but it doesn't help very much.
I turn my attention back to the soccer match on TV,
the only thing I have been able to watch without emotion since our breakup, broke me.
I have plans for the evening, a birthday celebration with friends,
so, I shut my eyes for a bit, recovering lost energy before the night begins.
Exhausted from all that is happening, worries racing through my head,
my body gets that sinking feeling, vision now dark, covered by heavy eyelids.
I hoped that I would feel better when I wake, have a nice night & forget today,
but that is not the way it happened, I am so sorry to say...
No, instead I was awoken by the sweetest sound and a familiar touch,
gently grazing my arm, whispering softly in an attempt to wake me up.
As I opened my eyes to see you standing over the couch with a smile,
happiness shot through my body, in only a second, it would have traveled miles.
For one brief moment, I thought this was all just a terribly bad dream,
there you were, the girl I love more than anything, standing right in front of me.
This was more than just confusing, it was like a sick, cruel joke,
I know that was not your intention, but that is how I felt after I awoke.
Still went out with friends that night, but it really messed with my head,
haven't told anyone about it though, my personal stuff is left unsaid.
I do not want to burden anyone else with my troubles and problems,
mama raised me to talk about 'em, but dad raised me to keep quiet & solve 'em.
So, I keep this all bottled up & locked away deep inside,
suppressed in my inner vault, where the rest of my issues reside.
I don't talk to anyone about them, because I don't want to hear the cliché's,
those unavoidable responses that others are always sure to say...
'If you love her let her go', or 'Maybe it was just not meant to be',
how about 'You'll find someone better', or 'There are plenty of fish in the sea.'
None of that is helpful, I don't need the preapproved hallmark response,
nor do I want to hear anyone say anything bad about her, not even once.
Yes, she broke my heart, and I will forever wonder what if,
but I will still defend her vehemently, because I never had a love like this.
No, I do not hate her, and I won't treat her badly or talk down about her,
I will always cherish what we had, even when there is no love in our future.
A severe mix of emotions & confusion flooded my mind that night,
and ever since processing that toxic cocktail, I just have not felt right.


Original Work by: Shawn A.


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The Mental Fustercluck