melissaahowells - Forgive Me (GHUEY-BOY)

This has been on my mind
for so long
I think its become a part of me.

I have been trying to avoid it
but it steps in my way.

I lay down to sleep at night
and it interrupts.

Its morning and I feel relieved
to have had some sleep
and it reminds me
that it is still here.

It has a twin
but they look nothing alike.
Their names rhyme so that I
am forced to remember them.

Do not let it in
I tell myself
they will not let you rest
and you will weaken

the day we decided to let you go
is seared into my memory

it was not your decision
you wouldn't have done things this way

why is alleviating suffering
often not for the one who suffers
but those who have to watch

I cannot un-do the decision
but I am wracked with regret
and guilt and its tormenting brats
of negative emotions

If you could live for a thousand years
or whatever it would take to satisfy
your need for play and sunshine
and watching birds and talking to squirrels,
I'd give that to you
even if it cost me everything.

truth be told
we ended our suffering
we were the weak ones
we were afraid
we could not stand it
and I cannot begin to forgive myself
some quiet alone nights
the thing which I have done.

first the hurt she gave you
when she put you to sleep and you cried out
second the fact that you always trusted me
and I am sure you weren't expecting death
and third that you could not hear me say good=bye
and knowing it was not a good-bye for anyone.

it rarely if ever is.
its only that way in bad novels
and b-movies.

so I keep your ashes
and pretend its you
and open the lid to the box
hoping to catch a smell of
your familiarity.

this is grief
this is the worst kind

forgive me
little one
dearest one,
please.

I cannot forgive myself.

LEGAL COPYRIGHT FOR THIS POEM 4:45pm PST WRITTEN DIRECTLY TO THE PAGE
TIME AND DATE STAMPED ON OCTOBER 4, 2021 AND ALSO FOR THIS WRITER
MELISSA A. HOWELLS AND ALSO FOR THIS LEGALLY COPYRIGHTED AND REGISTERED
POETRY SITE TITLE:MELOO STRAIGHT FROM HER TILT-A-WORLD