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Six After Shattered

It has been six months since the worst day of my life,
the one that ended my desires, the one that blew out my light.
They say time heals all wounds, but mine aren't even scabbing,
I long to talk to her daily, but any interaction is like a fresh stabbing.
Reopening old cuts, place a new one right on top,
in case that isn't enough, sprinkle liberally with salt.
She doesn't understand my torture, she has no idea it still exists,
on the surface everything is "I'm doing fine, (insert smile) I got this".
I told her I wouldn't bother her with the truth any longer,
and so far, I have done my best to keep that promise.
When we text, I keep it positive; smileys and unnecessary exclamations,
what she doesn't see, is the absolute sorrow & depression.
It is so heavy, it makes me wonder if I will ever be okay,
I wonder when I will wake without darkness, will I even make it to that day?
Some nights the silence and resilience of my loneliness is paramount,
on those nights, she is my focus, the only one I can think about.
I have tried unsuccessfully to keep her off my mind,
but each time I close my eyes, there she is... Every. Time.
I miss her in general, everything about her presence,
looking at her lovingly while she sleeps, whispering good night & stealing one more kiss.
Everything is out of balance, I miss so many things about her in my life,
not a single thing I have done, or do from day to day feels right.
In the last few months, I have had to stop myself several times,
from asking her what the hell we are doing, and why we are wasting time.
There is no question in my mind that she is the girl of my dreams,
but she said she doesn't love me, so apparently not all is as it seems.
I'll never understand why she decided to walk away,
she could explain it a thousand times, but never will we see it the same.
She says she no longer loves me, but yet, she loves so many things about me,
what she describes is love, I don't know why she cannot see.
She loves the way I treat her, she loves how I can always make her laugh,
she loves all the firsts that she shared, she loves to look at pictures from our past.
She loves how after all this time, I still look at her with absolute lust,
she said she loved everything, loved me once, but doesn't see a future for us.
For the last six months I have tried to sort through it all,
learning about myself and wondering what I did to cause our downfall.
Hoping to find the why and the how of what I feel,
but I feel like I am falling, and the fall feels too real.
Why can I still not endure anything...that has an element of emotion?
Give me something to drink, help me forget it all, whether a poison or potion.
I haven't found a solution on my own, not for a lack of trying,
but even 6 months later, to think of her is to ensure a night of crying.
Songs will continue to tear out my heart, words that have never felt so true,
each day seems to be getting worse, and I cannot stop thinking of you.


Original Work by: Shawn A.


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Six After Shattered