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The 87th Installment

This morning I awoke to a flashing red light,
An indication of receipt, a new message during the night.
Reached for my phone, expecting a text from the boss,
"Work from home today, avoid the ice at all costs."
But what I saw next practically stopped my heart,
you can verify on my health app; it even has a chart.
A message from my ex-fiancÚ, something I never expected,
she rarely messages anymore, and it was at four twenty-seven.
I was nervous and anxious, admittedly a little frightened,
what would this message be about, no way to be enlightened.
Although, a text at that hour really limits the options,
my heart was already racing before it was even opened.
I've remained in the central, and she's on the West,
not Kanye but Cali, putting the distance between us.
Two hours back, so two twenty-seven her time...
that's still pretty late for her during a weeknight.
It took a few minutes, but I proceeded to open,
hoping I wouldn't regret it the very next moment.
Her message simply read: "just had a dream someone new was in your life".
a puzzling message a year after she choose not to become my wife.
Unfortunate to read, an arrow to the heart upon rise & shine,
I've had similar dreams, but nightmares are how I described mine.
I wonder if she woke up mad at me, calling me a butt-hole once again,
upset over something her mind created, that I actually never did.
I understand the mindset, those excruciating lucid dreams,
waking to find your mind was so sure of an imaginary thing.
For a moment I start to think she misses me more than she realized,
but those thoughts exit fairly quickly when I can't look into her eyes.
As my brain malfunctions switching between the how come and the why...
too much to handle, the next unauthorized emotional decision is to cry.
What triggered her to dream of me, and is this good or bad?
How do I even respond to this? Thinking of multiple replies, all make me sad.
I thought about apologizing, but why...I have done nothing wrong.
I'm no longer saying sorry for everything, nope, that was my old song.
Tell her "That's unfortunate, but please tell me why you would care.",
but that just sounded rude, and I really can't be like that with her.
But I do wonder why she decided to tell,
has she not dreamt of me at all, up until now?
Wiping away tears, I have to gather my thoughts,
thinking of what to say, and then what to not.
Don't over-think this, just reply and be funny,
humor is desirable, but I know it won't be comforting.
"Oh really, someone new huh? Tell me, was she cute?
Did I look happy, was I smiling? Is she petite just like you?"
That just made me sad, as I thought of her small body in my arms,
picking her up swiftly and easily swinging her around.
My babydoll, my little bitty Salvadoran spinner,
the girl who changed my life and made me feel like a winner.
From funny to hurtful, backfiring in my own mind,
another response shot down, another formulating in line.
"It's been almost a year, should I just stay lonely forever?"
but that sounds like I do have someone, which isn't any better.
"Don't worry, I'm just as alone as the day after you left,
can't have room for someone else if your heart is bereft."
That sounds self-defeating, and lacking in confidence,
but in the last few months, I have been put to the test.
Another response that I choose not to send,
stuck in my head, groundhog's day all over again.
Running down responses and kicking them aside,
I wish I could crawl back into bed, under the covers to hide.
That won't change anything, her message was received,
now the problem is purely in how it is perceived.
I don't know quite how to process this message,
no one to talk to when guidance is requested.
I choose not to reply, which tears my heart from my chest,
always taking any opportunity to talk to her, but this might be best.
It hurts me so badly and I am thankful to be working remote,
love songs and tears all day, crying where no one will know.
Playlists dedicated to her, of which she will probably never listen,
direct reflections of my feelings, lyrical thoughts that shine and glisten.
Songs that I sing loudly, and some that just hit home,
songs that have all new meaning since she has been gone.
Contemplating replies throughout the entirety of the day,
stuck inside my head and unable to break away.
It's now almost midnight and I have been writing replies for hours,
none of them ever get sent to her, hopefully she isn't sour.
I hope she understands that I am not ignoring her,
but any reply reopens the feelings in my heart that I'll never get over.
She doesn't know that I still can't speak her name,
a quiver in my voice when I try, it doesn't sound the same.
Unable to watch movies, or even TV.
Anything with an element of emotions, it really affects me.
Tears are frequent and salty with lost lust,
passion, desire, the entanglement of us.
I am afraid I cannot respond, there is no right way,
nothing I can think of that is appropriate to say.
I've had dreams of her being with someone else for over a year,
at one point refusing to sleep, insomnia induced by fear.
I wish I could hold her, and tell her that I'll never leave,
but there was a time when she looked me in the eyes and said that to me.


Original Work by: Shawn A.


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The 87th Installment