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April Showers, Forever Dour

It's been a year since she walked away,
and I am not yet fully functional, still broken to this very day.
Still unable to discuss what happened with friends,
Unwilling to disclose how she almost brought me to my end.
At least, with the friend I still have left...
Most of them were hers, but I have one who will be a friend till death.

They say time heals wounds, but I will never be the same,
and yet, over a year later, I still feel extreme levels of daily pain.
If I try to speak her name, it catches in my windpipe,
choking on the phonetics, it never comes out right.
Fighting back emotions, looking out through watery eyes,
her name pops up everywhere, consistent torture, pain I can't hide.

As I approach April, the month it all fell apart,
I wish I could sleep though this all, put me into eternal dark.
I face perpetual sorrow; it stares back at me in the mirror every day,
I have tried so hard to let her go, unable to find a way.
My day to day is always the same, wake up sad, put on a happy face,
pull out my fake smile and put that on display.
It is the only way that I know how to keep going,
hoping for the end to come soon, it is painful not knowing.

Another day alone, another day without support,
self-medication is the only type of therapy I can afford.
Continuously falling through a bottomless pit of despair,
when I think about her and our past, it leaves me gasping for air.
Falling into a madness that she may not even be able to fix,
memories on repeat, my mind is controlling the emotional mix.
I try to shut it down, but my mind has a mind of its own,
while reflecting on the past, my vision is rippled by a skipping stone...

In the last year, she has shown no signs of remorse,
she doesn't seem to regret it, no second guessing, her plan is running its course.
I had hoped wholeheartedly that she just needed time to think,
with a year now gone, my heart descends further, into the dark it continues to sink.
Understanding that she will likely never come back,
I need to find a way to let her go, I need to walk a new path.

I am scared and alone, it took me so long to find her,
there is no hope in my heart that I'll find anyone like her.
No one that will accept me the way that she did,
after hearing my stupid and reckless stories, things I did as a kid.
Am I to believe that someone new will come along and fill my heart with joy?
A genuine connection that won't just think of this old heart like a broken toy?
There is no happily ever after that I have ever seen...
the once real fantasy life with her, now just a faded memory.


Original work by: Shawn A.


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April Showers, Forever Dour