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Nick: My Male Side & Protector (an article I wrote)
Nick: My Male Side & Protector
By Insomnia
July 5, 2022
10:31 p.m.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching over the past couple of years. And I've come to realize that I'm genderqueer: definitely gender nonconforming, somewhat genderfluid, sometime agender, possibly dual energy and most recently ~ somewhat… trans masculine.
For the last few years, I've been going by the name Natasha, at least with those I feel I can be my authentic self. But over the last year or so, I've been getting to know another side of me. The “male” side.
Over the last couple of months, the name “Natasha” has started to… make me cringe. Natasha used to have a very calming effect on me. The “sh” sound was so relaxing. It made me feel happy.
I started getting to know this other side of me. Nick. Nikk. Nikolai. My Protector.
And suddenly, when someone said my name: “Natasha!” It made me angry. Very disgusted, and I didn't know why.
In Spring 2021, I sometimes texted an online friend who happened to be trans feminine. The friendship eventually collapsed. But the impact she made on me is for a lifetime.
I told her that I felt I had a male side, so she asked me what his name was. I hadn't really given it much thought. So we started brainstorming.
She suggested something I already knew: it's wise to keep the first initial of the name. “N.” Which happened to be amazing. Like puzzle pieces waiting to be united after centuries. Millenia, even.
I've always loved the name Nick. Never knew why. It was just a really rad name.
At some point, I thought about it. And I told her. “I love the name Nick. But I'm not cool enough to be Nick.”
She said, “You are cool enough to be Nick!” She said that if I liked that name, that was my name!
That was a revelation to me.
And just a few weeks ago, I started getting serious about being called Nick. Or Nikk. Or Nikolai.
Most of my friends have been really cool about it. Possibly because many of them are also lgbtq+ and/or under the trans umbrella like me.
I have two besties, both of whom are trans femme. Both are online-only friends at this point. And one day, one of them messaged me on Facebook Messenger.
When she did, I told her about the name change. So she said, “Hi, Nick!”
And when I got that message, I could feel myself absolutely beaming. I was smiling like I hadn't in ages, and I just felt so happy! Like the sun was shining down only on me. It was amazing!
What I need is to share the sunshine. There is enough happiness for everyone!
I told her about this unexpected reaction. And she simply said, “That just means that Nick is your name!”
All my life, I've felt unwelcome. Like I had no home. And never would.
But in that instant, I felt like I was coming home. An odd feeling for me. But I was so happy!
Thank you so much to all the friends who have accepted me for who I am. Thank you for allowing me to be me and to explore my identity and to delve into introspection as often as humanly possible. Thank you. Just thank you. You may have saved my life. And you definitely saved my sanity.
Peace and love,
Nick/Nikk/Nikolai
By Insomnia
July 5, 2022
10:31 p.m.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching over the past couple of years. And I've come to realize that I'm genderqueer: definitely gender nonconforming, somewhat genderfluid, sometime agender, possibly dual energy and most recently ~ somewhat… trans masculine.
For the last few years, I've been going by the name Natasha, at least with those I feel I can be my authentic self. But over the last year or so, I've been getting to know another side of me. The “male” side.
Over the last couple of months, the name “Natasha” has started to… make me cringe. Natasha used to have a very calming effect on me. The “sh” sound was so relaxing. It made me feel happy.
I started getting to know this other side of me. Nick. Nikk. Nikolai. My Protector.
And suddenly, when someone said my name: “Natasha!” It made me angry. Very disgusted, and I didn't know why.
In Spring 2021, I sometimes texted an online friend who happened to be trans feminine. The friendship eventually collapsed. But the impact she made on me is for a lifetime.
I told her that I felt I had a male side, so she asked me what his name was. I hadn't really given it much thought. So we started brainstorming.
She suggested something I already knew: it's wise to keep the first initial of the name. “N.” Which happened to be amazing. Like puzzle pieces waiting to be united after centuries. Millenia, even.
I've always loved the name Nick. Never knew why. It was just a really rad name.
At some point, I thought about it. And I told her. “I love the name Nick. But I'm not cool enough to be Nick.”
She said, “You are cool enough to be Nick!” She said that if I liked that name, that was my name!
That was a revelation to me.
And just a few weeks ago, I started getting serious about being called Nick. Or Nikk. Or Nikolai.
Most of my friends have been really cool about it. Possibly because many of them are also lgbtq+ and/or under the trans umbrella like me.
I have two besties, both of whom are trans femme. Both are online-only friends at this point. And one day, one of them messaged me on Facebook Messenger.
When she did, I told her about the name change. So she said, “Hi, Nick!”
And when I got that message, I could feel myself absolutely beaming. I was smiling like I hadn't in ages, and I just felt so happy! Like the sun was shining down only on me. It was amazing!
What I need is to share the sunshine. There is enough happiness for everyone!
I told her about this unexpected reaction. And she simply said, “That just means that Nick is your name!”
All my life, I've felt unwelcome. Like I had no home. And never would.
But in that instant, I felt like I was coming home. An odd feeling for me. But I was so happy!
Thank you so much to all the friends who have accepted me for who I am. Thank you for allowing me to be me and to explore my identity and to delve into introspection as often as humanly possible. Thank you. Just thank you. You may have saved my life. And you definitely saved my sanity.
Peace and love,
Nick/Nikk/Nikolai
