melissaahowells - Not Alone In the Darkness (As I Once Thought I Was)

time is a dream
I'm dreaming
and a dream is time
going backwards

then what is the veil
between here and death
a different sort of dreaming

every ten years I experience
a cycle of tsuris
nothing out of the ordinary
but extra-ordinary
in its truly prescient "on-timeliness"

ten years pass quickly
too soon disaster strikes in twos
threes fours and sometime greater numbers
I am not made of the mettle I need to get through this
yet I find myself hardening into the saddle
forcing myself to turn my insides to steel
so I can weather the familiar
ten year ride with death

I am made more like the broken up earth
with layers of looser gravel underneath it..
when
the rain falls and falls
it accumulates
in underground pools
collecting my swells of grief

when I'm thirsty for memories of others gone
I drink from my pool of thoughts
for some relief
but find myself coming up dry
and still wanting

recently another 10 year cycle came to pass
my night thoughts poked at me
kept me awake with the wearisome worries of
how long this cycle would last
and what and who would I lose and have to grieve

I know I've no control over outcomes
yet my heart races and gallops like a frightened horse
trying to outrun a thunder storm
looking for a way out over the fence
and counting the seconds between
the lightning strike and the thunder

but my senses tell me to be there
for those who might need me
I am the one who winds up reduced
and depleted and on the short end of sense

yet something happened recently
which up-ended my world vibe:

my Mother's sister recently died
and she spent several days
having conversations with others
no longer walking this earth
she had extensive conversations
and my cousin told me it was plain
that a part of my Mother was still here
to talk with his Mother
the sentences he heard exchanged had pauses
and were conversational
and to anyone listening
there meaning was well-understood

my Mother was there in the room
with her Sister
and they were talking like they once talked
like two sisters would

at first
this was more than
my tender heart could take
until a thought entered my head
and I realized
maybe part of her is still here
and she watches ME sleep and she watches me wake

and if she was with me
then who else might be too
I don't care if you believe what
I am writing
dear Reader
I got the answer inside of me
and it was good

I am not as alone in the darkness
as I thought I was...

LEGAL COPYRIGHT FOR THIS POEM WRITTEN DIRECTLY TO THE PAGE
8/31/2022 2:34PM PACIFIC STANDARD TIME--TIME AND DATE STAMPED
AND ALSO FOR THIS WRITER/POET/AUTHOR MELISSA A. HOWELLS
AND ALSO FOR THIS LEGALLY COPYRIGHTED AND REGISTERED SITE TITLE
MELOO STRAIGHT FROM HER TILT-A-WORLD

written down to page...will come back later to edit for clarity of thought and style.