Need volunteers in the Army?
Here’s what they do
Just line up a squad and say
You, you, and you.
Nobody bothers to think
Or even to ask
Whether you have the knowledge
Or ability to carry out the task
Just assume you’ll find a way
To carry out just what they say.
Write a report for the Depot O.C.
Just the task they handed to me.
Sat in the pub annoyed, drinking
I used toilet paper without thinking.
And, to make matters even worse
Wrote in couplets of iambic verse.
Signed Number Rank name
And what’s more
Drunkenly pushed it
Underneath his door.
Forty eight long hours of abject fear
As Monday relentlessly drew near.
The summons came and to my surprise
He greeted me with smiling eyes.
Said he was amused at my cheek,
Get it typed up for later this week,
Every squaddie has nine lives
But you just need to think on
With this latest little jape
Eight of yours have just gone.
Very soon after came the day
Training finished and I was on my way.
A much remembered experience
Of what the army could do
With the imperious finger and
The mouthed you and you and you.
Whether by luck or by judgement
I was never again anywhere near
When they were out on the prowl
Looking to appoint a volunteer.
Eventually came the day
I was in a position to choose
Rank giving me the privilege
To impose those volunteer blues.
I tried to use it wisely but admit
I knew just what to do
To take a stroppy joskin and
Bring him down a peg or two