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Vulnerability
I'm scared really
I'm a scaredy-cat
I'm scared to go too far now
What if you wake up and just don't want me anymore
What do I do
I guess I'm comfortable in the lows cause...
That's where it leaves me when I mess up too much
I put the leaves there because after New Year's Eve I was sure you would leave
The faces were there to remind me that I couldn't say too much
After you told me to just let you feel what you felt
I felt like what I felt didn't matter so the best thing to do
Was to keep quiet and let you feel what you felt
And I didn't want to do it, I was in the place of give her
What she asks for without judging and your relationship will grow
I wasn't thinking about it as a test.
I was trying to be a supportive partner
But that went left.
As far as anything you found in that other phone
Like I don't know.
The contacts and the pictures....I have never really made a point to delete
Any of them. But the last time I had an android phone, those were my contacts
So that's how it set up in there.
I don't know what you saw.
I made a choice already tho.
Don't exactly know when I made it whether it was by your birthday or not
But I had made my choice of you.
Caroline didn't come up until after retrograde
I didn't answer because we were still in retrograde that night.
I said I was cool on that.
She called again I answered.
She asked if I was talking to her sister again
I told her I'm still with the same person I've been with
She spilled about her engagement and we laugh about how I ran from her sister
I told her I was happy for her and wished her well and she did the same
We had a few conversations but nothing along the lines of emotions
She knew about the happy we had. The road trips and herbs and the fires even the sewing.
I mostly talked about you. I did tell her that I feel undeserving of you.
I asked advice once about if your other didn't appear to be happy to see you
I was being a drunk and over-exaggerating everything
I crossed the line when I sent the text.
I lied to you and told you I didn't know why she was calling
She was calling to figure out what was going on
I lied
Afterwards i felt stupid seeing you cry and not being able to come near you
Not hearing from you
Not knowing anything
It's detrimental
I do care for you
I honestly do.
I'm hurting because I hurt you.
You don't even tell me about your day forreal anymore
But I broke that trust of being a safe place for you when I sent your messages to someone else
I didn't even stop to consider how I was acting
And what it would make you feel like
Or how truly ungrateful I sounded
I really don't want you to take the other job.
I'll stay here and help. No strings attached. No complaints. No arguing.
And when there will be another I will be calm
Take my leave.
Because I know how I've treated you.
I know how poor of a partner I've been.
What I have said and done and how I've acted is foolish.
I have actually put down the alcohol.
I understand you not wanting to be around me.
I understand you not wanting that around your children.
I understand why you want me to leave.
I wasn't asking to be free. But my actions have said it.
I would do anything for you.
I say it here because I know you're done.
I don't want to blow up your phone or start spinning because you don't respond
I just need to get it out. I won't ever do anything like that again.
All I need to do is remember that moment and I won't touch alcohol again
My coworker offered me a shot, I almost took it...
Then I remember the distance it puts between us
I declined.
I was extended an invitation to drink
Then I remembered that you jump when I say anything
I declined.
I want to feel everything that's intended for me to feel
It's the only way.
There are no shortcuts or loopholes
I broke us.
Split us up again.
I am mr. Intentional
Manipulative.
Cold hearted
Empty
I only thought of myself
Only thought of what I was sacrificing.
Never dawned on me that you were sacrificing too.
Selfish.
Just ugly.
Just a sorry excuse of a lover.
Vulnerability
