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The truth of it all

I wanted to be a great partner
I wanted us to raise our children together
I wanted us to be a team.
I still wanted a friend outside of it all
A safe friend who wouldn't flash a danger sign
I thought she was safe.
I didn't and still don't want her.
I still want you.
I still crave you.
It's always been you.
She listened but you loved.
That's all I wanted.
I wanted us to share a place
I wanted us to be one.
You said if it mattered enough a person would leave their home
You said if it was important enough
You are important enough
So important that I poured into you and stopped stacking my own basket
That was my sacrifice
My sacrifice was actually not taking care of my home and taking care of yours.
Your dishes were clean but mine stacked the kitchen counter
My empty home
But I had made a new one with you.
I had made a safe haven with you.
Then one day I was too anxious and frustrated
Blew it up.
Now I'm about to prepare to leave again and I know you're not going to be here when I return
I would like a drink to take me out of this reality but
I'm going to wake up to the same one
Sober and blowed all over again
No drinks. Feel this.
I'm going to feel my pain.
Pray it makes me stronger
Learn to be alone
I hold the nostalgia I have for you at night
Instead of holding you close
It's driving me mental to not touch you
I don't know how to stay out of trouble
Even when I think I am, I am not.
I want to be yours again.
I just want to be yours.
But I don't want you to have to take care of me
Like is that fair to you??
Are you ok with that???
If you tell me you are I'll drop my ego and continue
But it bothers me to have to ask you for things and I am a grown capable adult
I feel lesser than....
You take care of yourself.
I want to be like you. I want to buy gifts and it doesn't break me
What you don't know is how hard I have to work to be able to afford 10 dollar flowers
The most beautiful ones cost the most and I can't afford them
If you asked for that tattoo gun today I wouldn't be able to get it for you
I know you're able to get it yourself but I wanna be able to do something for you.
Something nice.
It bothers me that I can't.
It bothers me that I can't pay my rent.
It bothers me that you got your whole life together and I'm a mess up
And I can't really find a reason why you would want me at all
You don't want someone who can offer you what you offer them?
You should. I don't even know how to begin to try to give you any of that.
I just don't believe I'm enough for you.
You aren't bored of me?

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The truth of it all