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I am so lost and confused

I'm gonna end up alone.
I don't know why I'm like this.
I just don't understand honestly.
I do things thinking that if I do them without the wrong intent that it wouldn't hurt anyone
It still hurts them
I think of ending myself just to not hurt anyone again
It still hurts them
I tell the truth
It hurts them
I lie
It hurts them
I leave....
It throws everyone and everything off
I come back
I hurt them
Like I don't understand
Am I a bad person??
Then when it's expressed how I've made them feel
I feel like I'm being attacked
And I'm the bad guy again for questioning the conversations like this
They're one sided
You don't actually want to understand what was happening
You've already made up your mind about how I feel
Like why?
You don't want me to make it better....
You don't want me to apologize....
You don't want me to explain....
What do you want?
Did you just want me to be submissive to you and just make sure the kids were good?
Even while I am watching everything crumble in front of me?
How do I stay calm?
When I try to talk to you it's talk to Caroline...
But whyyyyy
I shouldn't have said what I said to her.
I shouldn't have sent anything to her.
I shouldn't have exploded on you.
I don't know what to do.....
I'm so confused
I want to go home.
I want to feel your warmth
I want you to love me again.
Everything is so much harder without you.
Packing that house up.
Actually getting kicked out.
Waking up.
I feel like I am grieving...
I don't know what to do.
I shouldn't have left you.
I should've trusted that you would have my back.
It's hard when you're not talking to me.
It's hard when I hear you talking to others.
It's hard to be without you.
With tears in my eyes I've never manipulated you.
I love you.
That's why I stayed. That's why I came back.
I want to strip down and give you my delicate parts
But I'm afraid you will judge me.
I'm not put together.
On the inside....nothing makes sense.
On the outside everything is all gone.
And I just want you.
I don't want to be here without you
I want my family back.
But now you'll never ever come back because of these stupid emotions.
I don't want them anymore.
They really suck.
All this really sucks.
I want you to hold me.
I miss you so much mami.
You're the only mami.

Comment On This Poem ---
I am so lost and confused