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Bound Up Tight In Fear!
I go to bed at night,
Thinking my mind is clear,
But there it is, always lurking,
I'm bound up tight in fear!
I fall into slumber each night,
Settled, sleepy, and calm
Then I'm in a nightmare with no escape,
And I wake up in alarm!
Shaking, sweating, crying,
It's always, always the same,
There I am, bleeding to death,
I dream it again and again!
Terrified of a repeat,
Scared to close my eyes,
All I think about is ‘that…'
And the question's, why, why, why's!
I thought that I had dealt with it,
Obviously I was so wrong…
There it is, every night…
Repeating like the chorus of a song.
I must have filed it away,
In the recess of my mind,
But there I am, repeatedly,
Bound in a nightmare is what I find!
I thought I was doing well,
Putting it all in the past,
Moving on into the light,
The nightmare and fear gone at last!
But I was wrong, oh so wrong,
For there I am each night,
Dreaming dreams so unkind,
And waking up in fright!
I have to put it behind me,
And I have to move away from the past,
Or forever live this nightmare,
And return to normality at last!
I will not let it drown me,
And I will not succumb to fear,
Rather I will get through it,
And make my mind once again quite clear!
Bound up tight in fear,
Bound in a slumber of hell,
Bound up tight, every night,
Bound up tight with no-one to tell!
So I wrote it out, eked it out,
My fears my torment and pain,
Bottom line is this...
I can't go through that hell again!
Talk it out, talk it through,
Talk it out again and again,
Talk to a counsellor, work through it all,
Talk, because I've everything to gain!
They knew this would happen!
They told me it would ruin my life,
If I didn't talk it through like they wanted,
The trauma, pain, fear and strife!
I said no, I didn't need to,
For I was really doing well,
But I wasn't, I really wasn't,
Or I wouldn't live these nightmares of hell!
Negligence! That's the reason!
All this has happened to me,
No-one told me the consequences,
Of that operation, the hysterectomy!
HRT, it's the only way,
The only thing that will help me through,
Given a choice, that wasn't one!
So tell me, what do I do?
Do I go with what they want…?
And move on with my life,
Don't think of the risks, only the results,
Or do I refuse and live in nightmare's of strife?
The choice, there isn't one,
I don't want to die,
So I go with the flow, do what I have to do,
At least I have to give it a try!
I won't let it drown me,
I won't be beaten now,
I won't let the fear ruin my life,
I won't, but I don't know how?
How I defeat it, how do I cope?
What the hell do I do now?
My head is battered, my heart is sore,
I'll beat it, I just don't know how!
Time, time and effort,
Will help me see this through,
For at the end of the day, in my heart,
I know what I have to do!
So I Will!
©Catherine Inglesby 2003
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