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Words Do Help...


This isn't a poem...

This is a message for someone who left a comment on my feedback...

You didn't leave an e-mail address, or I would have contacted you through that rather than publicly.  

T***2...

I didn't like to use your name, I never do, unless it's sanctioned.  But you know who you are.

Those words have really had an impact on me!

I have never looked into the reasons for her death and my survival.  All I have lived with is guilt, for a very long time...14 years.  

I could never comprehend the unfairness of it.  To go through what we both went through at exactly the same time for one of us to die was cruel!  Especially when we were told she wasn't going to make it!  How must she have felt to know I was going to live and she wasn't?  Because with the best will in the world with the best heart in the world, which was her, would, I'm sure, still must have asked why.

The only positive thing that I think about is the fact that in a way, I could understand to a point and support her to the end.  

We shared everything throughout all that time.  The bald heads, the awful wigs we called rats, (which eventually went into the bin)!  We would laugh at them, and we would go out shopping and throw them to the back seat of the car, for we would rather walk around bald than wear a rat on our heads!  And the epilepsy which we both ended up with within 3 weeks of each other.  So in a way, maybe it was for that reason, who knows.  All I know is, it could have gone either way for both of us.

She would often ask:

'Why me?'  

And I know she didn't mean that of me, in that, why she was going to die, and why I was going to live, but it was still so very hard for me, especially at that time.  And through all that, she worried and fretted for me, still she thought of others!

That's what I have to deal with every day - and its hard.

I have never taken life for granted, because it is so fragile...When you walk the walk, you understand...

Again, thank you for those words because they made me really think about it.

Catherine


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