Climb the highest mountain, punch the face of god

I want to throw up

I wretch and feel the pain of someone else's torment and
Suddenly I am back to wanting to die.
Sitting here, in a puddle of trepidation,
I am reduced to a pathetic little girl
And I'm scared of the world again,
And I am shaking terribly and
I want to throw up.
Though I am a woman now,
High heels and all,
I feel more like a child than I did when I actually was one.
I feel more like playing in the rain, and
Braiding doll's hair than
Typing out sh!tty math problems that I will never understand.
How cruel it tis that I am back
To learning the same sh!t I already learned when
Dad and I stayed up late, with him yelling at me,
And me crying because I didn't know the order of operations.
Perhaps the childhood comes back to haunt me,
Lets me see what I should have had and lets me
Live in deep regret.
I don't even want to get up in the mornings anymore.
I blame this one my parental units,
For having forced me to “act my age,”
Which meant acting four years older than my real age,
More mature than my older sister.
I yearned for the days when my parents encouraged me to play
With other kids, instead of
Being afraid that I would get their germs
And confining me into a room where I played by myself,
Sometimes forcing my brother to play Barbie's™ with me,
A cruel parent's gifts can pave the way for my better adult life,
But I am a child once more
And I'm scared of the world again,
And I'm shaking terribly and
I want to throw up.

April 13, 2004

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I want to throw up

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