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Well, How Am I To Know!!!


You see, the thing is this…
This is all new and scary to me,
It's not like I'm used to being alone,
It's just the way things have to be!

It's the first time I've been alone…
First time I've ever had to deal with stuff,
Everything is a little bit worrying,
Because life's been a little rough!

I was sort of thrown in at the deep end,
And I could so easily have drowned,
That is of course, if I hadn't had friends,
Who helped me when they came around!

Bills and rent, and insurance and stuff,
Oh glory be, oh hell – what a mess!
I just really hadn't the first clue,
It was really all just a mad guess!

So now after 3 years in my little flat,
I find out my central heating isn't broke!
Because I am new to all this, as I said,
I'm not a central heating, fixing bloke!

So for 3 long years in the winter,
I have cold spells all the time,
The heating goes off! I have no idea why,
And at times I don't feel very fine!

I'm always bleeding the heaters,
Cos that's what I'm supposed to do!
Well, at least I thought it was…
But I guess I didn't have a clue!

But tonight as the flat turned cold…
Once again I felt a chill in the air,
I went and messed about with the dial,
Thinking to myself, ‘this isn't fair!'

For last winter I phoned up my landlord,
And told him of my plight,
I said; ‘Andy, the heating is faulty!
Cos it goes off every night!'

So over he came to check it,
And everything seemed ok…
So off he went, while I was bereft,
I was in for another cold day!

Then tonight the ruddy thing went off again,
And once more I was alone in the cold!
Then in idle chat to my friend…!
I was laughed at, severely by one so bold!

For during the course of conversation…
My heating was of interesting chat,
I just happed to tell my tale…
And the result, well it knocked me flat!

For on explaining my predicament,
Of the why's and wherefores and woe,
Surrounding my faulty boiler,
Wondering where this conversation will go…

I recounted my heating problem,
I told of my terrible plight!
Of how this central heating is faulty,
And of how I'm freezing every night!

But it seems to me that I'm now the brunt…
…Of a laughter second to none,
Because my ‘faulty' boiler it seems…
Really needed nothing at all done!

For the dial that I have to mess with,
Turning it this way, that and the other,
Wasn't faulty, no not at all…
I find that it's never been a bother!

…Because…

It seems it's thermostatically controlled…
And it goes cold and heats up on its own,
Yet all the time when I moved the dial…!
I thought it made the heating come on!

But, cos I had it at the lowest setting!
The heat cooled before it was hot!
And now I am told, by one so bold…
That a genius - I am not!

So there were peals of laughter,
And yes, I had to laugh too…
And now when my bloody heating goes off…
I know what I have to do!

Turn the thermos back up!





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