There is nothing to write today.
We spent our money yesterday,
on bills, groceries, lunch...
and nothing is left for
football games, haunted houses,
dinners, movies, games.
We went window-shopping,
planning Christmas gifts
to buy the kids, and I'm
counting the paydays,
figuring out what
we can buy when...
our kids will have a
nice Christmas. Small,
but full of thoughtful
gifts and our love.
Someday, they will know
how much we sacrifice
to make them smile,
and it will all be worth it.
They will understand
how much we love them.
Your boys chose to
spend the day
with their mother
once they learned
we had no money.
My kids went with their dad
who will take them
to Spider Hill,
out to eat,
buy their love~
as you put it.
I told you how
I couldn't sleep,
mentally going over bills,
feeling bad that the money
is not enough, wishing
I had an extra forty dollars
so you could take Alex
to a football game,
but every way I
figure things out in my mind,
I come up short , and I would
never be able to tell you
it was okay with a
confident smile.
So, I tossed and turned~
you told me to take the
fifteen dollars in my purse
to refill my Xanax prescription
and go to sleep for a while.
But I'm still sitting here,
depressed in my pajamas
while you watch football
and we eat leftovers.
Corn beef hash and eggs.
Spaghetti and garlic bread.
Leftover donuts from the kids.
Me typing.
You watching T.V.
Both of us wishing
for an easier way,
a better life,
not having to look
at our children
and say "no"...
and trying to remind ourselves,
while forcing smiles,
that there is inherent value
in that very word,
but it is, nonetheless,
a difficult pill to swallow
while a tiny white Xanax
goes down so easily.
Maybe I will
refill my medication.
Sometimes, it's easier
to put reality
off for a little while.
