(This is organized the way I might perform it. Since I can't meet most of you in person I am posting here. All this material is copyrighted and protected. I don't mind if you read and enjoy it but please respect my rights. It takes most comedians a long time to write this much strong material. You have a lot of bad or iffy material to get to the best. Believe me, when you see a good comic do a 3-minute set, there were months put into it unless he's Jay Leno and can hire other writers!)
Intro: Ladies & Genitals! I would have been here sooner but I was chased by a Jehovah's Witness mobile unit. My act is sponsored by 116 the emergency number for dyslexics and Playtex-strong enough for a man but made for a woman. (Possible: My inner child has a gun and he's not afraid to use it.)
1. Pardon me! I have a bit of a sore throat. Last time I blow a porcupine. Damn escort service!
2. I went to see a spiritual medium recently; actually she was more of a large.
• She's so fat she makes Godzilla look like the gecko in those Geico commercials.
• She's so fat her crystal ball is concave from the weight of her shadow.
• She's so fat, she fell down a hill and flattened the village at the bottom.
• When she swims in the ocean, the tide flows into Wyoming.
• She's so fat, for tarot cards, she uses Richard Simmons' Deal-a-Meal.
• Due to her weight she's meta-physically challenged. I mean, she can still see the future but only events that happen above waist level.
3. We are human beings. How come the deceased aren't called human beens? (I ran into a friend of mine yesterday. Doctor says he'll live.-No!)
It's 2005. Anyone make a New Year's Resolution? I did. I vowed never to kill again. That lasted a week. B**ch!
• Another holiday that bothers me is Veteran's Day. I mean, it's okay, but 2 weeks of leftover Veterans gets old. Learned a little cooking tip though-remove their medals first.
4. I'm environmentally conscious and avoid using aerosol cans. So now I'm using Raid in a roll-on. The ants weren't too bad but that wasp nest was a b**ch!!!
5. I went to the library to check out the suicide doctor Kevrokian's book, Final Exit. Apparently the last person never came back with it.
6. I'm bilingual. I speak fluent Braille.
7. They have Optimist Clubs so I'm thinking of starting a Pessimist Club. Nah, no one would show up!
8. Please laugh! I have 4 mouths to feed! I have an aquarium.
• I don't take very good care of it. The other day I came home and my fish was carrying a sign, "Will work for water".
• Now he's even starting carrying a canteen.
9. I have a friend who so stupid he bet on a horse at a merry-go-round.
• He lives in the past. He has an 8-track mind.
10. I used to drive an invisible car but I forgot where I parked it.
• Then I bought a Mercury and it melted at room temperature.
• The other day I painted my car's headlights black and turn them on in the daytime and oncoming cars think it's an eclipse.
11. I tried deer hunting for a while but got tired dragging those concrete decoys around.
12. I've always had low self-esteem. As a child, I had imaginary enemies.
13. I have a friend who has the thickest glasses in the world. I think he has the same prescription has the Hubble telescope.
• His glasses are so thick he's seeing things that happened an hour ago.
• The sun caught his glasses once and cooked his Pekinese.
• They make his eyes look huge. E.T.'s eyes look smaller. If he were British, when we waited to shoot until we'd saw the whites of their eyes, he'd been the first one hit.
14. I joined the Peace Corps. I thought it was an escort service.
• I used to be a tank gunner in the Salvation Army. They didn't call much.
15. I was adopted and my parents were much older than other parents. Some kids had Kool-aid stands; I sold Metamucil.
So ugly... the hospital issued a death certificate at birth, could curdle milk inside a cow, used his picture on roach motels,
So skinny…she played hide and seek and hid in a bar code, she won a lifetime supply of minute rice-they gave her 1 box,
So poor…I get letters from Visa saying I'm already pre-declined. Visa should know you never loan money to strangers. Sopoor I use both sides of the toilet paper.
Nose so big…when you inhale all birds flying within a 3 mile radius are suddenly pulled backwards, you smelled a rose and sucked it into your lung.
Slower than... an amputee going rock climbing, an old woman using a vibrator with a hand crank.
Went to a white sale the other day-one can't own too many Caucasians.
Dating…called a 900 # and asked the girl to pretend we're married. She called me a b**tard and sued me for divorce. Not only did I pay $2.95/minute, now I'm homeless. I live in a cardboard box-one of my homeless friends is upscale-he lives in Tupperware-his clothes are always so fresh.
Tried to get into a girl's pants the other night. They were too small.
Catherine Zeta Jones-I'd walk through hell for her wearing charcoal underwear while drinking kerosene
