Getting Out Of My Own Way
I Disabled Myself
I Disabled Myself
I've been wondering why for a long time.
Wondering why I can't draw anymore, why I can't build or create anything.
Why I can't help anyone, nurture anything; or accept the love that is offered unselfishly to me.
I've wondered why others could and condemned them for not.
I've spent years perfecting one craft. Instead of the many I know would have made me happy.
There are crafts, talents, and love inside me. I need to bring them out and share them. No one else is responsible for this.
The craft I chose to perfect was deception. I did everything in my power to lead others to believe what made me comfortable in their presence.
I made myself believe a lie that allowed me to avoid being in the presence of honesty and truth.
It was the truth and honesty that I was afraid of that they would be right if I let them know.
The consequence being; I would have to address the truth if they brought it to my consciousness, and be held responsible for my lies.
I thought I wouldn't be able to handle the enormous task of addressing my problems.
I foolishly expected that my problems would go away with no effort required of me.
I projected my pain to those who loved me the most in ways I can barely stand to have repeated back to me today.
I alienated those who were strong enough to call me a liar, or point out my weakness.
I need to learn how to truly give a gift. As well as truly receive one.
I need to experience humility rather than look down it as weakness
I disabled me.
I've been wondering why for a long time.
Wondering why I can't draw anymore, why I can't build or create anything.
Why I can't help anyone, nurture anything; or accept the love that is offered unselfishly to me.
I've wondered why others could and condemned them for not.
I've spent years perfecting one craft. Instead of the many I know would have made me happy.
There are crafts, talents, and love inside me. I need to bring them out and share them. No one else is responsible for this.
The craft I chose to perfect was deception. I did everything in my power to lead others to believe what made me comfortable in their presence.
I made myself believe a lie that allowed me to avoid being in the presence of honesty and truth.
It was the truth and honesty that I was afraid of that they would be right if I let them know.
The consequence being; I would have to address the truth if they brought it to my consciousness, and be held responsible for my lies.
I thought I wouldn't be able to handle the enormous task of addressing my problems.
I foolishly expected that my problems would go away with no effort required of me.
I projected my pain to those who loved me the most in ways I can barely stand to have repeated back to me today.
I alienated those who were strong enough to call me a liar, or point out my weakness.
I need to learn how to truly give a gift. As well as truly receive one.
I need to experience humility rather than look down it as weakness
I disabled me.
