Primal Ruminations
Black Bear Blues
Black Bear Blues
Bolt your windows and doors
Keep a watchful eye,
No, it's not terrorism
Nor is it crime
It's not the boogey man,
No, not this time
It is more dreaded than that.
Blacker and hairier than that.
With sharper teeth than those
Of an Islamic terrorist,
American sympathizer ---
Or even a Frenchman.
What I'm talking about is
The North American Black Bear.
Yes this fierce and wild creature of the dark wood
Is coming to your quiet little neighborhood
To break into your homes
Sleep in your beds
And eat your porridge
Carousing through our shore communities
Like Bergen county bennies
On a hot July night
Looking for trouble and bottles to finish off,
Late night snacks and
Refrigerators to raid.
They're just like everyone else who
Thinks they can come down here to party --
And end developing real estate
Our politicians have declared war upon these fearsome beasts
For the good and benefit of their constituencies
“We shall not be assailed by the likes of a few disgruntled animals,
Their naturalized and indigenous status, not withstanding” and,
“It's high time we declared war on these terrorists, most of whom are Actually suspected Canadian expatriates”…
Last seen, the insurgent bears
Were spotted moving in a southeasterly direction
By county coalition forces.
Although generally fun loving, jovial, playful… dancing --
They are not to be taken lightly.
These are dangerous beasts capable of defensive retaliation
If hit by baseball bats, rocks, bricks, hacked at or shot at…
So don't approach them single handed and unarmed
Call a policeman
And if the bear is dumb enough to go for his wallet,
They could put about 41 bullets in him
Before he can run away and hide
Although warnings must remain at level orange,
We are winning the battle for suburbia
The black bear insurgents are on the run
Freedom fighting hunters have stepped up
To meet the enemy in the bush
And despite another attempt by liberal activists
Who claim the black bear to be the true Jersey natives,
We will strike them in the parks, schoolyards and golf courses.
We shall not stand down
Concrete, glass, steel and asphalt
Are the greatest deterrents
For the black bear,
White tailed dear, opossum, raccoon, and songbird
Just to name a few of the perpetrators.
Those pesky plant eaters, who damage our shrubbery,
Look through our garbage,
And stare into the headlights of our screaming automobiles
Though these attacks are increasing,
They are sporadic and unorganized.
If the community stands behind and supports
The development of our open spaces,
This problem will eventually go away.
When these beasts are flushed out into the open
We must not hesitate to dispatch them at once,
Build an office building and pave a parking lot
Or erect another high scale senior citizen settlement,
Upon the land where their bloodied bodies lie
We must fight on to win this war of lifestyles
We will not cave in to the will of nature.
The black bear had better head the other way
Because, unless he is willing to dress and act appropriately
Patiently wait in consumer lines,
Learn to work several jobs to make ends meet,
And does not end up in the newspapers,
There will be a very black future indeed,
For the Jersey American black bear
Bolt your windows and doors
Keep a watchful eye,
No, it's not terrorism
Nor is it crime
It's not the boogey man,
No, not this time
It is more dreaded than that.
Blacker and hairier than that.
With sharper teeth than those
Of an Islamic terrorist,
American sympathizer ---
Or even a Frenchman.
What I'm talking about is
The North American Black Bear.
Yes this fierce and wild creature of the dark wood
Is coming to your quiet little neighborhood
To break into your homes
Sleep in your beds
And eat your porridge
Carousing through our shore communities
Like Bergen county bennies
On a hot July night
Looking for trouble and bottles to finish off,
Late night snacks and
Refrigerators to raid.
They're just like everyone else who
Thinks they can come down here to party --
And end developing real estate
Our politicians have declared war upon these fearsome beasts
For the good and benefit of their constituencies
“We shall not be assailed by the likes of a few disgruntled animals,
Their naturalized and indigenous status, not withstanding” and,
“It's high time we declared war on these terrorists, most of whom are Actually suspected Canadian expatriates”…
Last seen, the insurgent bears
Were spotted moving in a southeasterly direction
By county coalition forces.
Although generally fun loving, jovial, playful… dancing --
They are not to be taken lightly.
These are dangerous beasts capable of defensive retaliation
If hit by baseball bats, rocks, bricks, hacked at or shot at…
So don't approach them single handed and unarmed
Call a policeman
And if the bear is dumb enough to go for his wallet,
They could put about 41 bullets in him
Before he can run away and hide
Although warnings must remain at level orange,
We are winning the battle for suburbia
The black bear insurgents are on the run
Freedom fighting hunters have stepped up
To meet the enemy in the bush
And despite another attempt by liberal activists
Who claim the black bear to be the true Jersey natives,
We will strike them in the parks, schoolyards and golf courses.
We shall not stand down
Concrete, glass, steel and asphalt
Are the greatest deterrents
For the black bear,
White tailed dear, opossum, raccoon, and songbird
Just to name a few of the perpetrators.
Those pesky plant eaters, who damage our shrubbery,
Look through our garbage,
And stare into the headlights of our screaming automobiles
Though these attacks are increasing,
They are sporadic and unorganized.
If the community stands behind and supports
The development of our open spaces,
This problem will eventually go away.
When these beasts are flushed out into the open
We must not hesitate to dispatch them at once,
Build an office building and pave a parking lot
Or erect another high scale senior citizen settlement,
Upon the land where their bloodied bodies lie
We must fight on to win this war of lifestyles
We will not cave in to the will of nature.
The black bear had better head the other way
Because, unless he is willing to dress and act appropriately
Patiently wait in consumer lines,
Learn to work several jobs to make ends meet,
And does not end up in the newspapers,
There will be a very black future indeed,
For the Jersey American black bear
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Black Bear Blues
Black Bear Blues