I must be an idiot, a cretin or just a plain simple fool
Squatting on the floor looking for that special tool
Necessary to slide lock bolt part B
Deep into locking slot cam part C
Before I can proceed with bolt K
I'm gonna be here all blooming day
And I know I've lost some bits deep underneath our bed
Because I should have five and I've only three instead
There are blood stains on the carpet and on the wooden floor
Worst of all there's one smeared on the new wardrobe door
And she who must be obeyed is starting to fret
Getting ready with the telling off I am sure to get
The instruction booklet is torn and it's lost one page
That I ripped and threw away in a burst of pure rage
I can feel the panic rising if I don't get it right
And we'll have to sleep in the spare room tonight
This De Luxe Simple Kit is spread all on the floor
Until it's finished we can't open the bedroom door
Ah that's better I've misread page twenty three
And used part X instead of part Starred D
It's all coming together – oh lord I have the powers
Though instead of twenty minutes I took four hours
My fingers are all plastered and I'm full of pride
Just hope the wife won't look too closely inside
Until I've had the time to turn around
That bit I've gone and put in upside down
Where's me Brandy bottle for a very large tot
Me and D I Y - that's yer bloody lot
